Crash Into Me

This is for all my fanforum friends who have been absolutely amazing and patient with me. Remember this is not edited, and is a ROUGH draft. Here it is...

Fake Empire

Chapter Ten.

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters

Blair stared out the window in her room, and watched as the rain traced patterns against the glass. It had been storming all afternoon since she’d returned from school, and she’d spent most of her time distracted by the thunder and lightning. Her mind was filled with Cotillion; she couldn’t seem to focus on anything else. Her dress was already being made, she’d set up appointments for her hair, nails, and final fitting, but there was still one detail left, the one she dreaded most. So, instead of tackling that particular problem she stayed holed up in her room, leaning against her chilled window frame imagining she was anywhere else than where she was.

Blair’s cell buzzed beside her, and she looked down to see Chuck’s name. She flipped her phone between her hands for a few seconds, deciding whether to answer, but it stopped before she even had a chance. Just as well she decided, she had been avoiding him all day, and she still wasn’t eager to have the conversation she knew she needed to. Cotillion was the grand event of the season, and Blair would be it’s reigning queen. It was expected, and Blair thrilled at the prospect. The only downer was the fact that she didn’t have a date. She should have. She’d had many offers, but she’d barely considered them. She knew her perfect night could only feature one guy, and she was absolutely terrified of asking him. She was sure Cotillion was something Chuck Bass would scoff at, he probably didn’t even attend the one for his year. Still, Blair couldn’t totally give up the dream. It was coming down to the wire now though, and she knew that if she didn’t talk about it with him today her mother would agree to the Prince’s offer, and her chance would be lost.

It’s just Cottilion she tried to council herself, a silly dance… a silly dance, right. She scoffed. She was able to delude herself about much, like the fact that Evelyn Bass hating her didn’t bother her, she could even ignore the irregular heart beat that took over every time Chuck stepped into a room, but she couldn’t manage to convince herself that Cottilion wasn’t important. It was. It had been her magical fairytale dream since she’d been a little girl. Her mother had taken her by the dance studio when she was six years old, and while Eleanor had talked about a dress design with another society mother Blair had snuck off into the next room, and watched all the ladies and gentlemen glide across the floor. In Blair’s six year old mind they looked like they were flying, above everything and everyone, they’re very own fairytale. Ever since she’d dreamed of this night, when she would be flying, ahead of everyone and everything, the queen. Every queen needed her king though, and Blair had yet to lock hers down. It would have been easier to ask Carter. Carter might grumble but he would eventually agree, especially since Nate was escorting Serena. Blair didn’t want to settle for Carter though, she wanted Chuck. She just wasn’t sure how to get him.

Her phone buzzed again, and that same familiar name flashed across the screen. She sucked in a fortifying breath before answering.

“Hello.” Her voice already sounded strained, and she cringed. She and Chuck had been attached at the hip for many months now. In some ways it felt like he knew her better than anyone else, and one perk of that (for him anyway) was that he could read her moods fairly well. On the otherhand she still couldn’t decipher his cryptic behavior more than half of the time.

“What’s wrong with you?” He didn’t even bother with hello, so she didn’t bother responding. Silence stretched between them for a minute, before she heard him sigh. She imagined he was running his hand through his often messy hair, and deciding if he should pursue this conversation or just give up on her for the day. He must have decided on the former. “Be ready in fifteen minutes. I’m coming to pick you up.” He hung up on her before she could refuse, not that she probably would have.

Blair was waiting outside when his limo pulled up along the curb. His driver got out and opened the door for her, and she stepped inside quickly. The rain was just a drizzle now, but she didn’t look good in the drowned rat look, and she needed to feel her best to get through this conversation. Chuck was lounging back on the seat across from her, sipping on his usual drink. His eyes were watchful today though, and she knew he was curious about her sour mood.

“Drink?” He offered her his glass. She grabbed it from him, and drank a hearty sip before handing it back. He continued to watch her. “Are you going to tell me?” He asked, a no non sense look on his face.

She frowned at him. She didn’t like that he felt entitled to know her every thought and mood. “No, I don’t think so,” she returned coolly. She slid across the seat so she was resting beside the window again, and let her cheek rest against the cool glass. It had started to storm once more, and she lost herself in the downpour, ignoring his presence as he so often ignored everyone in the world.

He watched her warily, and she could see that he was doing his best to try and figure her out. She was pleased to see that he was failing. It would do him a world of good to feel the way the rest of them always did in his company. Two could play at the secrecy game she decided, and smiled to herself.

“Blair…” There was a warning in his tone, and she whipped her head around to face him. “What’s going on with you… you can tell me.” He added in a softer tone, and her irritation and anger disappeared altogether. She’d wanted to keep her guard up for this conversation, keep a healthy dose of anger in store to deal with the eventual rejection when she asked him. But she it was a useless attempt when he looked at her the way he currently was, with concern, and care… in a way he looked at no one else. She loved and hated that look in equal measure, because it made her hope for things she knew would never happen. It made her dream that they could be different one day… one day, it was such bullshit.

“Cottilion is next week.” She met his eyes directly for a minute, but then she chickened out and turned back to the window. If he was going to laugh at her, or call it some dumb tradition she couldn’t be looking at him. He would see how much it hurt her, and she hated giving that to anyone. Her weaknesses were hers, she refused to even share them with him.

“I’d heard…” He still seemed very confused, and Blair wished his brilliant mind would kick in so he could make his own deductions. “Nate’s going with Serena…” He only said it to fill the silence, obviously hoping for more of a clue. She offered nothing. “Are you going?”

Blair turned back, and just stared at him.

“Of course, you’re going.” He laughed to himself, but she didn’t find it funny at all. She began glaring, her earlier anger a comfortable thing. “I don’t often admit this, but I’m lost.”

Blair felt her self softening towards him, but held her ground. “I don’t have a date.” She finally spelled it out for him, forcing herself to hold his gaze this time. She watched as realization finally dawned in his black eyes, and then he was the one who was uncomfortable. “I’ve been asked by many, of course.” She added so she didn’t sound pathetic. “A prince is vying for my attention now, but…” She had to look away from him again, because she could feel her face heating up, and she didn’t want him to notice.

“Oh…” The quiet was heavy, only filled with the storm raging around them, and the sound of city traffic. Blair had no idea where he was taking her, but she knew she hoped they got there soon. She did not like being trapped in this car with him, especially since she had a sneaking suspicion that this conversation wasn’t going to end well at all. What had she expected? She’d known it all along, Chuck Bass didn’t do Cottilion, not even for her.

“I’ll just go with the prince.” She decided quickly to spare them both. Her mother would be thrilled, and she’d still have the most fabulous date of the evening. All the other girls would look at her with envy, and she’d know she won. “He’ll be a fine date.” She said this more for herself, than for Chuck.

“Princes usually are.” Chuck returned, and when she glanced back at him he was trying for levity. His patented smirk was in place, but it felt hollow for both of them. She wanted it to be him, and he had to know that.

The rest of the ride was made in silence. They ended up at bar downtown, a favorite of Chuck’s in the business district. Blair usually hated coming here, but she barely noticed the atmosphere today. She ordered a martini, and sucked it down before Chuck was even halfway finished with his drink. Carter and Nate arrived within twenty minutes, and they moved to a back table. Carter regailed them with tales of a poker game gone bad, and Nate complained about doing Cottilion all over again. Blair barely said a word, just stewed in her misery, and planned out every detail of her night with the prince. He would try to kiss her, they always did. She was just about to decide to let him when Chuck broke into her thoughts.

He leaned in, and whispered into her ear so only she could hear. “Are you alright?” He pulled back to meet her eyes, waiting for a response, but all she did was nod. In that moment, in that bar, she started to wonder if he truly was a lost cause. Would they always be just this way, nights at Victrola, days in stuffy old bars like this with his friends? Blair wasn’t sure she wanted it. She wasn’t sure she wanted any of it anymore.

“I forgot I have a dress fitting.” She announced abruptly cutting Carter off midsentence. All three boys turned to her, with perplexed expressions. She stood up, and grabbed for her purse.

Chuck grabbed her wrist, and stopped her from moving. “I’ll have the car pulled around, just give me a minute.” It was clear he planned to leave with her, but she didn’t want that. For the first time in a long time all she wanted to do was get away from him.

She shook her head. “Stay, enjoy yourself. I can grab a cab.” She pulled her wrist out of his hold, and her whole body jerked from the effort. Carter and Nate were watching them intently, not even pretending they didn’t know something was going on. “I’ll see you later.” Blair pasted on a fake smile.

“Blair?” Chuck tried again, seeming genuinely confused.

“Bye.” She turned away from him before her face completely fell. She couldn’t keep up the act any longer, and she needed to get away from him. She walked the rest of the way out of the bar, hurried into the downpour, and grabbed the first cab she could find. He might have followed her, but she never looked back.

When the cab driver asked Blair where she was headed she gave him Serena’s address. She couldn’t face going home, and telling Eleanor she’d won. Blair would attend with the prince, the perfect fairytale, just not the one Blair had always envisioned. Pull out your dancing shoes, Waldorf, she coached herself into a smile. It would all work out. It would be everything she dreamed, more even… It would be a disaster.

She was shaking from the cold rain when she made it to Serena’s door. Her friend took one look at her, and yanked her inside. Serena wrapped her in a towel, and then found a large blanket for good measure, before she forced Blair to sit down on the couch. Lily was away again, Thailand this week Blair thought, but she could hardly remember. She would know next month when Serena’s mom returned with gifts from her travel. Serena had a whole closet full of guilt gifts from her mother, by the time she was twenty she would have two.

“Who do I need to kill?” Serena tried for a joke, but it fell flat around them. Blair shivered into the blanket, and tried to forget that all her carefully placed dreams had just crashed around her. Love sucked, had never seemed more appropriate than that day.

“I’m going to Cottilion with the prince.” Blair told her very casually, and Serena smiled for a moment, before she realized that was the wrong reaction.

“This isn’t a happy thing?” She guessed. “Oh.” She frowned as it finally dawned on her. “He refused to take you? He’s such a jackass. I’ve told you for months he didn’t deserve your friendship, and this is just another reason why. The high and mighty Chuck Bass couldn’t just suck it up for one stupid dance. I’m going to find him, and give him a piece of my mind, and then I’m going to kick him for good measure, because that is what he deserves. He deserves a good ass kicking. I bet I could even get Carter and Nate to help me and-” Serena stopped her tirade, when Blair began laughing. “What?” She was stunned by the reaction, but Blair couldn’t stop herself.

It was nice to know that in the middle of one of the worst days in her recent existence Serena would still be there to back her up. She would even take on that high and mighty Bass boy. Blair continued to laugh, so hard it came from the belly, and eventually Serena joined in. Soon they were both falling all over themselves, with tears streaming down their faces.

Finally, Serena sobered up, and Blair followed suit. “You know,” Serena grabbed her hand, “I’d really do it.”

Blair nodded, and wiped at her eyes. She must look a complete mess, but for once she didn’t even care… not that much at least. “I know you would… I’m not angry at him,” Blair admitted, surprising herself and Serena. “You’re right it is just some stupid dance.”

Serena blanched. “I didn’t mean it that way. I know how much this means to you. You’ve been crazy over Cottilion since we were little girls. I swear I thought I would strangle you, you talked about it so much.” Serena smiled at Blair fondly.

“But it’s still just a dance.” Blair shrugged. “I guess I just realized that he’s…” Blair couldn’t make herself say it. Serena squezed her hand reassuringly, and she tried again. “He’s never going to be what I want him to be.”

Serena’s face fell, and Blair suspected that was pity in her eyes. It stung more than anything else, and Blair regretted admitting it out loud. Still, she knew she had to get it out, and it wasn’t like she could tell Eleanor.

“He’s an idiot then.” It was a lame attempt at making Blair feel better, and it failed miserably.

“He’s Chuck Bass, and I knew that. It’s not like I expected him to change for me. I didn’t.” Blair smiled to herself. “I like him the way he is. I even like the dark, twisty parts that scare the hell out of me. It’s just… I wanted to be the one for him, the way he is for me. I want him to want to do these things with me… but he doesn’t. He can’t even pretend or lie and says he has other plans. He just ignores me, and that feels so much worse.” Blair stopped herself from saying more. She already felt too exposed, and extremely pathetic.

“This is going to sound bad.” Serena warned, and Blair jerked her head around so they were face to face. She dreaded what her best friend was about to say, but she couldn’t stop her. She knew she needed to hear it. “Maybe it’s better you know now… you know before it got worse for you. It’s just a crush right? We all have them.” Serena bumped Blair in the shoulder. “Besides a prince is a way better catch than a Bass. Chuck’s loss will be your gain. You got the fairytale, B.” Serena was trying so hard, and Blair couldn’t bare to see anymore pity in her eyes, so she forced herself to play along.

“That is true. I’ve always wanted to be royal.” Blair preened. “You know my family comes from royal blood-”

Serena giggled. “Marie Attoinette, I know.”

“It makes perfect since when you think about it. I was born to be queen.” Blair winked, and Serena collapsed in another fit of laughter. Blair laughed too, but she didn’t feel it deep inside.

She was sad, disillusioned, even a bit miserable, but beneath all of that there was the most surpriging thing, relief. Maybe she did love Chuck, but Serena was right, better now than later, when they were so entangled it would be nearly impossible to get away from him. This was a managable amount of pain. She would throw herself back into her school work, start something with this prince, focus on her friends. She would go back to who she was before she knew him. The darkness would recede again, and she’d feel safe. It would all be better now, she knew it would.

I'm trying my hand at a multichapter GG fiction. I usually stick to one shots with NS, but CB are too epic to be contained, and the idea in my head just won't shut up. This is going to be a slightly AU world, but still the UES, still our same beloved characters. Just a little twisting on my part. Here's chapter one, let me know what you think.

LINK - http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5357054/1/Fake_Empire

Whitney

Author’s Note: Lack of NS on GG, plus the fabulous National’s song “Fake Empire” have inspired this little one shot. I did a Serena point of view previously on their doomed love, so this time I decided to tackle Nate. This is pretty current I would say, everything that’s happened, has happened. Enjoy the angsty goodness of NS.



The Sun Jumped Over the Moon

He wonders when he lost her. He wonders if there was ever a time he could have reached out for her, and she would have been there. Flesh against flesh – something real, something they never quite had. He wished for it. Dreamed of it. Nearly willed it to life a million times, but she would run, or he’d back down, or they’d implode right there in front of each other. He’s had many lovers by now. Some he cared for, some he used to pass the time. She was the only one he knew he loved. He thinks he might have loved the others – fleeting moments of rapture that stuck with him. But she was a solid feeling, something lasting that flowed through his blood and ached in his bones. He tried to carve her out of his heart, just as surely as she had carved herself in. She wouldn’t go. She’d never go.

He stares at her through crowded rooms. Sometimes she catches him, and he smiles – this little half smile, that she always recognizes and returns. He hates that she knows him the way she does. He thinks his girlfriend should have those insights, but he’s never given them to her. Serena knows him in a way that is both good and bad. It’s good because when he’s with her, he feels safe, comfortable – he’s feels like someone actually sees him. She sees him. It’s bad because he’ll never have it with anyone else, and he feels that loss.

He’s not sure when it happened, when he stopped looking to his parents for safety, and turned to her instead. She became his home… his everything. He loved her without meaning to. He looked for her yellow hair, and blue eyes, and soft brown boots in every room he went into. He still does. He goes from the feet up, searching for her special brand of footwear. Then he traverses the bodies, knowing if she’s there, he’ll recognize her. He’s saves the best for last – her eyes. Her eyes, blue, but not just blue. Soft, but intense, loving, passionate, explosive. Every dream he’s ever dared to dream have featured those eyes.

He wants to tell her he loves her. He’s tried so many times before, but the words always get lodged in his throat. They don’t seem to be enough. What is love? Something fleeting that people throw around to justify their actions. He’s done it enough times to know this is true. She’s something more though. She’s everything and nothing wrapped into one confusing package. Yet, still… he needs to say it. He thinks if he does, maybe the silence will suffocate him afterwards, but he can survive anything as long as she doesn’t tell him she doesn’t love him.
Fear is the main reason he’s never told her, and probably never will. He’s terrified that once the words are out, things will never be the same. She’ll pity him or avoid him – he’ll lose more of her than he’s already lost. He can’t bear that, so he keeps his mouth shut and goes with her program. She wants him to be friends with her boyfriend. So he is. She wants him to smile at her and joke around with her, and forget everything that has passed between them. He does smile and joke, but he’ll never forget, not even for her.

She hasn’t forgotten either. He knows that. In moments of alcohol induced craziness she’s told him as much. ‘Do you remember when…’ it always starts out, and he just nods. He remembers it all, every word, every look, every touch… he’ll never forget an inch of her. She continues though, outlining some of the very best times they’ve ever had, but as the alcohol wears off, she turns to their worst moments, and her guilt sets in. He usually leaves when that haunted look comes into her eyes, because he can’t bear her telling him they were a mistake again. Maybe they were, hell of course they were, but he doesn’t want to hear it.

He used to dream that she’d come to him one day and tell him she finally realized they belonged together. He felt foolish when he has these grand cinematic dreams, but it was hard to stifle the yearning inside him. One time he almost confessed these dreams to her. They’d been drinking, and commiserating over all the things that had gone wrong in their love lives. She’d told him she had the worst luck, and he’d admitted he’d never been able to make it work and be truly happy. She’s turned to him, this soft yielding look in her eyes, and he’d known she wanted him to kiss her. He almost had. He’d almost confessed it all to her, but something held him back. The fear that she’d wake up in the morning and rebuff him. The fear that they would try, and fail.

Maybe that was the biggest reason he kept letting her run from him. If he stayed and confessed all, and she actually reciprocated, where would they go from there? He didn’t know. Neither were the best at commitment. He’d hurt every girl he’d ever been with, and she didn’t have the best track record either. What if they wrecked each other, and proved everyone right. What if he had her, truly had her, and then lost her. He doesn’t think he could do that. He’d go crazy. He’d never recover. She would strip him completely, he knows she would. She has that power.
Vanessa wants him to say I love you to her. She’s said it a million times, and he can feel the expectation in her tone. He’s tried. He’s skirted around it as much as he could, but he knows the moment is here. He does a dumb thing and goes to Serena for advice. He shouldn’t. He knows this when he gets into the elevator to get to her apartment, but something unknown is driving him to this self destructing point. She opens the door with a smile, and an impulsive hug that lingers a second too long to make it comfortable. She ignores the tension though, and pulls him in. Chuck is in the kitchen on his phone, and he nods at Nate before turning back to his conversation. Serena whispers that Blair and Chuck are in the honeymoon phase. Whatever that means. Nate doesn’t think he’s ever had one of those. But then of course he’d never been with the one. His one had always been with someone else.

Serena shuts the door to her room behind them, and pushes him down to sit beside her on the bed. Then she looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to speak. Nate has a crazy moment where he actually considers blurting out that he loves her and kissing her. But she’s with Dan now, and he has Vanessa, and Vanessa is actually why he came. So he lets the insanity pass, and finally spills his guts about his problem. Serena stares at him for a long time, opens and closes her mouth in rapid succession. He’s never seen her so speechless and it worries him.

Finally, she speaks.

She’s mad, or at the very least irritated. She wants to know what she’s supposed to tell him. If you love her tell her Nate. That’s all she says, before getting up and walking over to her closet. He’s confused, and a little annoyed that she’s not helping him out the way he thought she would. He realizes now he came here for some sort of silent permission. He knows that once he tells Vanessa he loves her, he’ll actually have to love her, and that means letting Serena go.

She asks him if he loves her. It’s quiet, and sad, and Nate feels angrier than ever before. She shouldn’t be asking him that. He doesn’t have a prepared answer, and better yet he doesn’t even know what she would want him to say. He’s good with a script, but honesty is hard. He shrugs, and she scowls, and they stay locked in that battle stare for a while longer.
Do you love Dan? He asks her bluntly, and she stares at him stunned before saying she does… of course she does. The question has offended her, but Nate is beyond caring. He has no idea where they are in this little game they play. Does she want jealousy from him? Does she want friendship? Does she want him to erect a fucking statue in honor of Dan Humphrey? He doesn’t know, and he’s starting not to care. Vanessa never makes him jump through these hoops. She is easy, and smiles, and goes along with his program – which usually consists of laying back and letting life travel by. He likes to relax. He’s tired of apologizing for that too.
She asks why he came to her. He wonders who he should have gone to? Dan? Not likely. Dan Humphrey isn’t exactly good with the romantic advice, and Nate thinks he’s a bit biased in Vanessa’s favor. Blair? She’d just cringe at Vanessa’s name and tell him he was trading down. He’d get irritated, they’d fight… it wasn’t an option. Chuck wouldn’t be much better. He’d make lewd jokes, and tell Nate to just lie. Nate didn’t feel like lying though, he felt like meaning it. He just needed to do this one last thing. He realizes Serena knows this, and that’s why she’s upset.

I can’t wait anymore. There. He’s said it. The words crash hard around them, and she turns her head so their eyes are no longer meeting. He gets up from the bed and heads for her door. He’s done here. He’s finally done. She reaches for him at the last minute. He stops…waits… she says nothing. He tries to pull away but she holds on tight digging her nails into his arm, and holding him as tightly as she can. She comes toward him slowly, tentatively, like she might change her mind any second. He almost wishes she would, because he’s sure whatever she does next will kill him.

He’s right.

She leans into him, wrapping herself in his arms and pressing her fast against his neck. He can feel her breath against his skin, and he wishes they could just stay like this forever. This is perfection. This is love. No one will ever make him feel this much ever again. He’s alive, and he’s dying at the same time. He thinks she is too. There is pleasure in pain, he can see that now.

Don’t. That’s all she says, but it’s more of a plea. He knows what she wants. She wants him to keep waiting, to keep loving her, and hurting everyone else. She wants him to smile and joke, and be friends with fucking Dan Humphrey until it kills him. He’s tempted to say okay, to continue the dance they’ve always done so well. But he’s tried. He hurts all the time now, and he knows Vanessa could make that go away. If he could just love her, if he could just walk out of that room, and let Serena go… if they could stop dancing… he could be free again. It’s weird that she was his freedom once upon a time, and now she’s his cage.
I love you. He finally whispers it into her ear as she clings to him. This is not a beginning. He knows that, and she does as well. This is a goodbye. He can say it now. He can feel it now. And for one tiny moment in time, she does as well. She looks up, and their eyes meet, and the dance has hit it’s crescendo. I love you. She whispers it back like a prayer, and he sucks it inside, holding it tightly. She can’t have it back now.

I know. I’ve always known. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he realizes it’s true. It was never about what they felt, it was about what they would do. The sad fact was they were both cowards, both too good, and too bad, to do anything about it. Serena needed the Dan Humphrey’s of the world to validate her, and Nate needed the Vanessa Abram’s of the world to set him free.
In that moment, it didn’t matter. Dan didn’t exist. Vanessa didn’t exist. They only loved each other. For the first time in all their lives, they could say it, revel in it, breathe it in until it choked them. It would. There was a time limit on this joy. Sorrow would creep in soon. Her eyes would shutter, and he’d pull away. He’d leave and go across the bridge and finally tell the other girl, who didn’t have the yellow hair and blue eyes, that he loved her. He would mean it. He would live with it. She would have to as well. But right then, in that room, surrounded by all the things they couldn’t say, but had said… it was just them, Nate and Serena, best friends, soul mates… so they continued dancing, holding on, never letting go.

Author's Note: So I've wanted to do a multi chapter NS fic for a while but I never got around to it. I wrote this about a month ago and I've been tweaking it ever since. I think I finally like the finished product and I want to continue on with the fic, so I'm posting it. Tell me what you think. :)

Four Walls



one.

“Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home.”

Serena van der Woodsen glanced around the spacious Waldorf penthouse and allowed a small smile to grace her perfectly glossed lips. Everything looked the same, every piece of furniture was placed in the right spot, the drapes were that same cranberry color and Blair still had not convinced her mother to get rid of that hideous asian vase. There was some comfort to be found in this for Serena, and she breathed her first real breath since landing at JFK earlier. She knew this trip wasn’t going to be easy, in fact she thought she had prepared herself for just how bad it could be. But she’d dilluded herself. The truth was Serena had just stepped into the seventh circle of hell and the truly horrible part hadn’t even begun yet.

“Miss Serena!” Dorota greeted her warmly and Serena forced herself to smile in return. Faking it was going to be a full time job, but Serena had been here before and she could do it again. “Miss Blair is waiting for you. She is very impatient today.” Dorota whispered softly and blanched when Blair’s demanding voice bellowed down the stairs.

“Is that the florist Dorota? You tell them I am very unhappy.” Blair yelled most unlady like, before stomping down the stairs and stopping short when she spotted Serena. “I can’t believe it!” A wide smile broke out on her face, and she practically jumped the remaining stairs just to get to Serena and pull her best frined into her arms. “You’re here.” Blair sighed in relief and Serena hugged her back feeling safe for the moment.

Not much in the city felt safe anymore.

“You really thought I’d miss your wedding day B?” Serena asked and Blair said nothing in return. Both girls knew it had been a distinct possibility. It was only’s Serena’s conscious and her annoying step brother calling her every day that finally swayed her to come. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” She promised and at least she didn’t have to fake that emotion.

It had been a long road for Blair Waldorf to find happiness. But Serena could tell she’d finally made it, and in Chuck Bass’s arms no less. Serena grinned to herself, it made perfect sense in her mind. The most devious, manipulative people she knew, with hidden hearts finding everything they needed in each other. Perfect poetry in her opinion.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I’m having so many issues with this wedding. The florist is completely incompetent, my dress is perfection but Chuck keeps trying to sneak a peak and my mother – oh my mother is so freaking wrapped up in her new French lover I want to gag. Roman introduced her. Roman! I’m going to kill him when he and my father get here. I really am.” Blair swore and let out a long collected breath.

Serena laughed happily, this was what she knew and what she desperately missed during her travels. No matter where her mother moved her and Eric growing up, or who Lily married, the Waldorf penthouse had always been Serena’s true home. Some things never changed.

“I’ll threaten Chuck within an inch of his life and take care of him. I’ll put Lily on the florist, you know how intimidating she can be. And your mother… we’ll think of something.” Serena promised and pulled Blair back into an impulsive hug. Blair was stiff for a moment before hugging her back, and both girls fell into uncharacteristic giggling which Dorota noted with a smile.

“I will have your things brought up.” Dorota told Serena quickly before leaving the girls alone.

Blair pulled Serena into the living room and onto the couch with her, brushing aside a couple dozen color swatches as she did. Serena eyed them specutively and Blair groaned again.

“They’re for the penthouse Bart is giving us. A wedding gift.” Blair rolled her eyes. “Only a Bass would give a Penthouse as a gift. He’s ridiculous but at least he’s behind us on this.” There was a twinkle in Blair’s eyes that didn’t lie – she was thrilled about it all.

“That’s my step-daddy such a giver.” Serena joked and the girls began laughing again. “So tell me what I can do to make this easier for you.” Serena offered hoping Blair would take her up on it. It was usually the other way around, because Serena was a self admitted flake. She’d changed though – or at least she hoped she had.

“Just don’t leave again.” Blair delivered the words flipply but Serena could tell she meant them, and she hated to disappoint her. But Serena didn’t have a life here anymore, she hadn’t for a very long time.

“I wish I could stay B.” Serena told her honestly but Blair just stared at her demanding more. Serena should have known she couldn’t bullshit her best friend. “I’d have to see him every day – see her and him together. I couldn’t do it. I’m not strong like you.” Serena admitted defeated and Blair rolled her eyes.

“You are you just don’t use it. I’ve told you a million times if you still love him fight for him. It’s Vanessa, she’s no match for you.” Blair told her bluntly and Serena wished she believed her.

“He loves her Blair.” Serena hated saying it, felt sick even thinking about it but she knew it was true. She’d learned the hard way and she’d never push it again. He was lost to her, and she’d accepted that now.

“He THINKS he loves her.” Blair corrected. “But he doesn’t know what he wants and how could he since you’re not around to show him. He’s going to be here tonight and I’m going to make you look so fabulous he’ll drop to his knees and beg you to take him back. Just watch. I’m the master at this stuff.”

Serena just nodded and smiled tightly knowing Blair wouldn’t give this up until she did. But whether Blair wanted to accept it or not, Nate was a thing of the past for Serena. They’d walked out on each other a long time ago and the second he moved on with Vanessa he slammed the door shut. Serena understood, she really did, but it didn’t make it any easier. She’d built a new life for herself in Italy. She had her photo assignments to keep her busy and when she was off she gardened. Sometimes she even went on dates with hot Italian guys, but those romances usually fizzled fast. Serena didn’t really have the heart for that anymore, hadn’t for a long time. But there was no sense in thinking about that now, not when disaster was looming on the horizon that night.

“So what can I do for tonight?” Serena asked switching topics quickly. Blair gave her a cross look for a moment before shrugging and going through a list of things that still needed to be done. This Serena could deal with, after all she’d learned from the best – Blair Waldorf herself.

~*~

“Tonight is going to be a nightmare.” Vanessa groaned as she slipped her boots off and flopped down onto the bed she shared with Nate in their loft. He smiled over at her from where he was unbuttoning his shirt in the closet and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling back.

“We don’t have to go.” He reminded her easily, hoping she’d take him up on it and he could bail on the entire thing.

“Oh sure I can just imagine the verbal beating I’ll get from Blair if I keep you away tonight. She already hates me, no need to add to that.” Vanessa returned with a laugh, but both Vanessa and Nate knew there was a lot of truth to that statement. Blair had mellowed a lot in the last few years but she still wasn’t on board with Vanessa, and Nate had stopped trying to convince her a long time ago.

“Then we’ll go, we’ll mingle, take a few pictures and come home early.” Nate decided and the mega watt smile his girlfriend sent his way told him she definitely approved. He knew she hated having to mix with ‘his’ crowd but she did it for him and he appreciated it. Tonight was going to be harder than usual though, and he still hadn’t found a way to break it to Vanessa, or to even deal with it himself.

“You’re just full of good ideas Archibald.” Vanessa purred as she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning in to kiss his neck. “How did I get so lucky?” She moved around him and pushed herself up on her tiptoes to meet his waiting mouth.

The last four years had been amazing with Nate. And the last three living with him in their small loft in the villiage had been unbelievable. He was her every dream come true, and she knew she made him happy too. He showed her in so many ways – by coming home from work early as much as he could, sending her random texts just to make her laugh – he even managed an entire weekend with her crazy parents in Vermont and no guy had ever been able to do that before. Vanessa never could have imagined Nate Archibald, the ultimate UES golden boy making her this happy – but he did.

“On second thought lets stay in.” She moaned as she pulled him down to the bed with her. He just grinned in response and helped her with the rest of her clothes. He could definitely agree to that plan.

~*~

“Oh my God that can not be Chuck Bass.” Serena exclaimed as she walked into Chuck’s room and found him smiling to himself as he put the finishing touches on his hair. “You’re actually smiling.” She said in mock surprise.

“I’m happy.” He returned easily and turned away from the mirror to face his step sister. He hadn’t been sure that Serena would actually show up but he’d done everything in his power to get her there for Blair. He knew how much it meant to his fiancée and he’d already conceded to himself and the rest of the world that he’d do just about anything to make Blair’s dreams come true. He wasn’t even ashamed anymore, if this was being whipped who the hell cared.

“I can see that.” Serena smiled at him genuinely and he returned the gesture grudgingly. “So,” she walked around him and slid back onto the bed relaxing against the pillows as he tried on different ties. “Blair has instructed me to tell you that you aren’t to see her until she makes her grand entrance. She wants to surprise you with her fabulousness.”

Chuck nodded and grinned to himself. He hadn’t seen Blair in two hours, there was no way he was waiting for her grand entrance but he’d let Serena believe that so she wouldn’t try to keep him out.

“Same old Chuck.” Serena said knowingly. “Don’t worry I wouldn’t dream of keeping you away from her. You two can play your little games all by yourself – and for the rest of your lives it turns out.” She laughed to herself. “The blue one.” She told him and Chuck stared at it a moment before grabbing the red one and putting it on.

“So you ready for tonight S?” He asked getting right to the point.

“Nope.” She shook her head. “But I’ll survive as long as you keep the champagne flowing and your best man as far away from me as you can possibly get him.” There was no use bullshitting Chuck he’d been able to see right through her since the moment they met and nothing had changed in the years that passed – except that they were related by marriage now and therefore required to spend all major holidays together.

“I’ll do what I can for your sake and Blairs.” Chuck grimaced and then pulled the red tie off and grabbed for the blue. “If I don’t Blair and Vanessa will be at it in no time at all.”

“I don’t advocate that if you’re wondering.” Serena told Chuck sincerely. “I might have problems with Vanessa, but they’re mine.”

Chuck nodded. “Blair doesn’t need anyone leading the way for her – I know. But if you and Vanessa at least pretended to get along, tonight might go a lot smoother. Blair’s worried about you.” He turned to her and for once he was being completely serious. If Serena didn’t know any better she might even have believed he was concerned. But Serena did know better, and she knew Chuck would always have Nate’s back.

“I’m fine Chuck. I came didn’t I?” Serena shot back defensively and hopped off the bed, ready to make a quick exit if her step brother got any more annoying.

“You came because I threatened to charter a plane to your little Italian villiage and carry your ass here if I had to. Don’t you think it’s time you grew up Serena. Your games are getting old.” He told her bluntly as he spritzed his cologne.

“I stopped playing games a long time ago Chuck, you should know that.” She turned away from him and grabbed for the door. But she couldn’t leave it at that and they both knew it. A classic Chuck and Serena sparring match was coming on. “What am I supposed to do? Tell me?” She demanded hotly. “Because I’m at a loss.”

“You act like a fucking adult Serena.” His eyes lit with fire as he aimed at her and scored with the first hit. “Blair might be fine coddling you but I’m done. You fucked up okay. You lost Nate. Vanessa won. It’s done with. You and Nate are done with. Accept it like a big girl, paste on a big beautiful smile and suck it up. Do it for Blair because this is her night and her wedding and you’re not going to ruin it for her. I won’t let you. Save the melodramatic bullshit for your therapist.” He snapped before walking past her and out the door, no doubt in search of his bride to be for a little pre party fun.

Serena almost chased after him to give him a piece of her mind but her anger deflated almost immediately after he left. He was right. Just this once Chuck Bass was right, she had to put aside all her crap with Nate and make this evening perfect for Blair. If that meant being polite to Vanessa – well she’d deal with it.

~*~

The party had been going on for nearly an hour when Dorota opened the door and announced Nate and Vanessa’s arrival. Serena was standing with Bart and her mother at the time and nearly went white as a sheet.

“Serena?” Lily looked at her with concern and Bart averted his eyes uncomfortable and hoping to avoid a scene. “Did you know they were coming?”

Serena pulled herself together quickly, downed the rest of her champagne and nodded at her mother. “It’s fine. I knew.” Lily opened her mouth to comment further but Serena quickly pulled Bart into the conversation again to avoid it. “So you were saying about your new business venture…”

Bart nodded and began in again giving Serena the reprieve she so desperately needed. She didn’t have to deal with Nate just yet. She could wait a respectable amount of time and if he didn’t approach her first she would say her hello’s and goodbyes as soon as she could before feigning a headache and getting the hell out of this party. Maybe she could hit up one of her favorite bars and get so drunk she’d forget this night. One could only hope.

Blair found Serena twenty minutes later talking with Eleanor and her French lover Jean Luc. Serena smiled at all the right parts and acted her usual charming self but Blair could see through her and knew exactly what was wrong. It was that bitch Vanessa. Blair could just kill Chuck for telling Nate he could bring her. This was her night after all, didn’t she get final guest list veto?

“Sorry to interrupt,” Blair swanned in gracefully and grabbed Serena’s arm. “But I need to borrow Serena for a minute.” She’d moved them away before her mother or Jean Luc could protest.

Blair pulled them into the kitchen and shooed all the help out before beginning. “Do you see how tacky her dress is? I can’t believe Nate walked out of the house with her looking like that. It’s disgusting. And she has no class even coming here! She had to know you’d be here! Of course you’d be my maid of honor. I just hate her. I really do.” Blair blew this all out rapid fire as Serena just stood there. “Well say something.” Blair demanded at last.

“Her dress was fugly.” Serena agreed doing her best to sound neutral. She definitely did not need Blair egging her on. She had enough animosity for Vanessa to last her a lifetime. But she wasn’t dealing with it tonight.

“Her dress? Who cares about that monstrocity! Let’s talk about her and the fact that she doesn’t belong with Nate. She’s not right for him. She has him living in this shoebox apartment filled with all her crap. I had to take two showers after Chuck dragged me down there. You would not believe!” Blair was working herself up more and more and Serena didn’t know how to stop her.

“Blair,” Serena tried, “she isn’t important. This is your party, enjoy it.” Serena would have begged Blair to drop it at this point but the fire in Blair’s brown eyes wouldn’t dim. “Blair-” Serena couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“You’re hurting right now. Don’t lie to me and pretend you’re not.” Blair’s voice was harsh but Serena didn’t miss the care and concern in her eyes and all her carefully placed walls began to crumble. “Come on Serena this is killing you.” Blair grabbed Serena’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly.

“I’m a coward.” Serena let out a pathetic laugh. “I can’t even face him Blair. I can’t even say ‘hi, Nate, how have you been’. I’ve been hiding since the moment he arrived – I should have stayed in Italy.” She sighed defeatedly and dropped down onto a stool.

Blair sat down right beside her and patted her back. “I would have killed you if you hadn’t come. But I don’t blame you for hating this and that doesn’t make you a coward. He ripped your heart out Serena how are you supposed to feel?” Blair was getting revved up again and Serena worried about what she’d do next.

“I hurt him too Blair.” Serena returned and she knew it was true but it didn’t lessen the pain in her own heart. She and Nate had always been masters at screwing each other over. And the last time – well that had been a doozy. Serena still had gaping wounds.

“So what? Didn’t give him a right to do what he did.” Blair snapped in Serena’s defense. She jumped off her stool quickly then and was headed towards the door. “I’m taking care of this now.” She announced furiously.

Serena ran after her and stopped her before she could get out. “Don’t make a scene. Please Blair, it’ll only make it worse on me. Just enjoy this party – enjoy it all. You and Chuck are getting married B.” Serena reminded her and Blair smiled almost instantly but she still wasn’t standing down. “I can deal with the Nate thing later. And I promise if I need help yours is the first door I’ll knock on. But I’m not ready yet. So just… let it go, okay?” Serena pleaded, hoping the tears she could feel stinging the back of her eyes wouldn’t fall until Blair left.

Blair nodded unhappily before kissing Serena’s cheek and walking back out into the party. Serena had won that battle but she knew there would be more as long as she was in the city. Blair was fierce when it came to her loyalty towards Serena and eventually not even Chuck would be able to back her down. Which was why as soon as Blair Waldorf became Mrs. Bass, Serena was on the next flight out of JFK.

~*~

Nate swigged down his third scotch and glanced around the room looking for a familiar golden head. He sighed in relief when he didn’t see her. He knew from Chuck that she had finally agreed to come but he’d secretly been hoping she would flake at the last minute and he would never have to see her. Hearing about her occasionally when Blair decided to torture him was bad enough, but seeing her – he wasn’t ready. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready.

He spotted Vanessa across the room chatting with Jenny Humphrey. He knew Blair had only invited her because she was working for Eleanor’s company now and Eleanor wouldn’t hear of excluding her. She was probably the only person in the room who didn’t look at Nate’s girlfriend like an unwelcome visitor and he was thankful Jenny had come. It at least kept Vanessa occupied and hopefully away from any awkward encounters that might occur. Although if Serena was going to approach him she was taking a long time. He’d been there for nearly two hours and he’d barely glanced her once or twice and both times she’d been clear across the room deep in conversations with other party goers.

“She’s hiding out in the kitchen.” Chuck came up from behind him and handed him a refresher drink that Nate happily took and began sipping immediately. “I don’t think she’s eager for a reunion either.”

“Who?” Nate tried to act casual but Chuck just rolled his eyes at him and he caved. “You think Blair would kill me if I bailed now? I’ve done my duties as best man.” Nate knew Chuck didn’t care much for these things, it was all Blair’s deal. She had been the one who’d sent him a rather threatening note demanding his presence that night. Her note also told him not to bring Vanessa, but Chuck had thankfully vetoed that otherwise Nate wouldn’t have come at all.

“You have to give a speech Nathaniel.” Chuck told him apologetically. “Don’t make Blair hunt you down. It wouldn’t be pretty.” Both men grimaced and took large gulps of their drinks. “Just get it over with Nate.” Chuck urged him, a new tone to his voice – one of pity Nate had heard only few times before from his best friend. Oddly enough these conversation almost always seemed to surround Serena.

“I can’t.” Nate shook his head and downed the liquor quickly before grabbing a champagne flute from a nearby waiter. “It’s not that easy man.” He wished he could just disappear. He wished she would go back to Italy or wherever she lived now and never darken his doorstep again. He wanted her to disappear and at the same time he’d never wanted to see someone more in his entire life. That was what scared him, that same old pull dragging him under once again. Serena van der Woodsen was poison for Nate – he couldn’t forget that.

Vanessa smiled at him from across the room and he forced himself to smile back as he sipped his champagne a bit slower. At this rate he’d be drunk off his ass and make some scene that Blair would castrate him for. No need to tempt fate he decided and set his glass down.

“She’s different.” Chuck told him and Nate really wished he’d stop talking about her. Chuck never did what he wanted though and just kept torturing him. “She’s got a good life in Tuscany – she works as a photographer, grows vegetables and shit. She lives like a fucking nun if you want the truth.” Chuck laughed and swallowed back more scotch.

“I don’t want to know Chuck.” Nate returned forcefully and Chuck raised his hands in defeat. “I’m sorry this is your engagement party and I’m being a dick.” Nate felt like a jackass but didn’t he always when Serena was in the equation. She brought out the very worst in him and that hadn’t changed.

“Let me say this and I’ll never mention it again. What happened between you guys was fucked up, I get it. But I’ll tell you what I told her. Grow up, get over it and move on. You and Vanessa have a good life Nathaniel. I’ve seen how happy you are. Don’t let Serena coming back mess with that. Don’t give her the power.” Chuck patted him on the back before spotting Blair and walking over to her. Nate watched as Chuck kissed her and whispered something that made her blush.

Nate nodded at a nearby senator he knew and then sucked in all the courage he could muster before heading off towards the kitchen. He still wasn’t sure what he could say to her – if he could even manage a hello after all this time. But Chuck was right he had to do this now and be done with it. He owed it to himself and most of all Vanessa to put this ghost of his past to rest.

When he opened the door to the kitchen he found her there sitting on a stool staring off into space. She was beautiful just like she’d always been. Her long golden hair fell in waves down her back and her big blue eyes glistened with tears. Before when things were just beginning to fall apart he’d seen her like this a lot – in another world, a place he couldn’t reach. He stopped trying after a while and he knew he’d never go there again.

The door swung shut behind him and she looked up at the noise to see him. Anything he might have said caught in his throat when she looked at him and he was suddenly engulfed with a sadness he thought he’d buried a long time ago. She opened her mouth immediately to say something but no words came and they ended up just staring at one another.

Finally he mustered the strength to speak first. “Hi.”

It was a simple word but it was ripped from deep within him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe after he said it. Because she just kept looking at him like he was shooting nails into her heart or something. He didn’t think that was fair especially since she’d been the one to stomp all over his heart five years ago. He might have aided in their end but he sure as hell hadn’t been there alone.

“I can’t get a hi back, Serena?” He asked unable to hide his bitterness. He had a nasty streak when it came to her. No one else could bring it out and he was grateful for that. But he also hated the power she held over him and his emotions – it was like that well would never run dry.

She pulled herself together then, straightened her back and brushed away the single tear that had been sliding down her cheek before facing him head on. “Sure Nate. Hi, how are you?” She smiled at him but it didn’t reach her eyes and he hated her for that too.

“I’m great. Have my own business, an amazing loft and a girl I love. Life’s never been better for me and I’ve never been happier.” He laid it on thick and took pleasure in the shock of hurt that spiked in her eyes before she managed to close off to him again. “And you?”

“Peachy.” She returned but said no more and looked away from him again obviously dismissing him.

Nate clenched his fists and told himself to get the hell out of there, but better sense didn’t win out. It never did with her. “No Italian lovers you want to brag about? Come on Serena I know you. I know you better than anyone and I sure as hell know that you have every guy within 500 feet of you begging you to just-” He could feel himself being dragged over the edge but it took her interruption to stop him.

“Enough Nate. Enough.” Her voice wobbled and new tears formed in her eyes. He felt like a complete asshole and that feeling of suffocation returned.

“You’re right.” He laughed at himself – it was hollow and filled with all the pain he’d never expressed to anyone, not even himself. “I shouldn’t have come in here. I thought we could… I don’t know what I thought.” He sighed and ran a tired hand through his hair. He felt like he’d been through a war and he’d only been standing in here for 5 minutes.

“Let me save you a lot of trouble Nate. I got the point the last time I saw you. You hate me. You wish we had never met and you would like it if I stayed as far away from you as possible. Well I can’t help you with the first two, but I did move to Italy and I assure you I have been avoiding you the best I could all night. You came in here to me, not the other way around. You can blame me for a lot Nate, but not this. So just leave. Go find your fantastic girlfriend and stay the hell away from me. Because this time I’m telling you. Stay away from me.” She finished quickly and rushed up the back stairs, fresh tears coating her cheeks.

It only took Nate a second to decide to go after her. He chased her up the stairs they both knew by heart and followed her into Blair’s suite. She tried to shut the door in his face but he forced his way in and the second they were alone she threw her purse at him with surprising force and hit him right in the chest.

“I said stay away!” She screamed at him not caring who heard her. Thankfully the Waldorf penthouse was large and no one would come chasing after them anytime soon. “Get out Nate!” She demanded and rushed at him to shove him out, but he grabbed onto her arms and held her back.

“No,” he refused trying to stay calm. “We need to talk Serena. You’re going to be here for a while and we can’t do this every time we see each other. I won’t.” He told her bluntly and she finally stopped trying to hit him and wrenched her arms away from him.

“I’ll be here for two weeks. I’ll walk down the aisle and stand up for Blair and then I’m gone and you can pretend I never existed again.” She wiped furiously at her face and then turned towards the mirror to assess the damage.

“That doesn’t work anymore Serena.” He told her honestly but she refused to even acknowledge him then and just kept working on the black mascara streaking her cheeks. Nate could do whatever he wanted but she knew now more than ever that the best course of action was just to avoid him. Obviously they couldn’t even manage polite conversation.

“Serena-” He came up behind her and grabbed her arm to pull her around. She jerked away from him the second he touched her and then they both just stood there gathering themselves together again. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“Get out.” She told him flatly and turned back to the mirror. But he grabbed her again and this time when she jerked around she reached up to slap him. He held her back though and they struggled before she finally conceded and headed for the door herself.

“Same old Serena!” He called after her and that stopped her dead in her tracks. Nate could say whatever he wanted about their past, and some of it would even be true. But he knew nothing about her now and his comment infuriated Serena.

“You don’t know me at all Nate. You decided you didn’t want to a long time ago so I went away and I became a different person. A better person – a person who didn’t need you anymore. So you don’t get to come in here now and tell me you know me. Because you don’t. Maybe you never did.” She finished vehemently and turned for the door again only to find Chuck standing there watching them.

“Perfect.” She snapped before picking her purse up from the ground and racing out past Chuck, leaving both he and Nate behind. She realized then that no matter what she did or said Nate would always hate her. She was done with him – done with it all.

Nate let out a frustrated groan before facing Chuck. He didn’t know how long his friend had been there but he knew he’d never get out of this conversation now. Chuck wasn’t the advice giving type, but he stepped in when he felt he needed too. He’d done it five years ago and Nate knew he’d do it again tonight.

“You pissed her off.” Chuck chuckled but Nate didn’t say anything and he got right to the point. “You gotta find a way to make peace with her. We’re all sick of dealing with your shit. You two fucked up when you were young and stupid. It happens. But this is no good man.” Chuck told him truthfully. “You act like she was some seductress who tricked you. Save that shit for someone who wasn’t there. She screwed you over Nate, but you messed her up too. The girl fled the country to get away from you! Doesn’t that tell you something? Is it enough now? Has she paid?” Chuck had never defended Serena once to Nate before so this was a complete surprise to him.

“Do you think I’m wrong? She ripped me to shreds and left me with nothing. You don’t get it Chuck. You and Blair have this thing and yeah you fight but you’re good for each other. Serena and I – we burned each other up until there was nothing left. I hated myself, I hated her and every time I see her I go back to that place. I can’t just forget it.” Nate told him heatedly. “And you know what? No it’s not enough. She hasn’t paid enough. I don’t think it will ever be enough. I won’t apologize for feeling that way. So sorry if Serena gets her feelings hurt and doesn’t like the truth shoved in her face. Fuck her.” Nate huffed before exiting just like Serena did before him.

“You can come out now.” Chuck called out and a minute later Blair peaked her head around the corner a sheepish look on her face. “How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” She returned as she cuddled up to his side and wrapped her arms around him. “How is it that the two most important people in our lives can’t even be in the same room with each other?” She asked but Chuck knew she didn’t expect an answer. “It’s all Vanessa’s fault.” She went with her usual line of attack.

“Vanessa is like a gnat, annoying but harmless. You know that.” Chuck shot right back not giving an inch. Blair sighed annoyed but didn’t refute him. “The damage is done Blair, there’s nothing we can do.”

Blair held onto Chuck a few more minutes savoring the safety of his arms before whispering, “We’ll see about that.”

Chuck didn’t say anything. He knew Blair would do what she wanted, she always did and that was why he loved her. But after tonight he was more convinced than ever that whatever was broken between Serena and Nate wouldn’t be fixed anytime soon – if at all.

AN: After the awesome GG finale, this sprouted out. Chuck, Blair, Serena and Nate are a thing of awesomeness so I couldn't resist. The time period for this is pre-Serena leaving for boarding school.

Classic.

Serena van der Woodsen was drunk. Actually drunk didn’t even cover it, she was shit faced.

“Just one more shot B. One more little shoooott.” Serena pouted as she nearly fell off her stool, it was only Nate’s lacrosse toned arms that kept her from falling butt first onto Georgina Sparks mother’s expensive tile floor.

Blair Waldorf was pissed. Very, very pissed. – How shocking, except not really.

“Watch it grace.” Nate’s breath felt like a cool breeze passing by Serena’s ear and she began giggling.

A lot.

Nate Archibald was ass backwards in love with Serena – tell me that doesn’t surprise you.

“Oh fuck. Who let Serena touch the Tequila. Didn’t we all learn our lesson last weekend?”

Chuck Bass was in control – did you ever doubt it?

“Here baby, have some more.” Georgina cooed as she passed the bottle to Serena and glared across the counter at Chuck and Blair.

Georgina Sparks never let anyone else run the show – it was her show God Damnit.

“Bring it down a notch.” Carten called from his place on the couch.

Carter Brazen was stoned – we won’t even touch this one.

“Just one more sip B, and then I’m done. I swear I’m done.” Serena promised, now totally reclined against Nate’s chest as she sucked down more Tequila than her skinny little body could possibly handle.

“We’re not taking my car when she starts convulsing. She puked all over the seats last time.” Chuck told them all matter of factly, before grabbing the pipe from Carter and taking a long soothing hit.

“I mean it.” He announced looking right at Blair.

“Fuck off Chuck.” Blair snapped beyond annoyed. Chuck was being a dick, Nate was moonlighting as Serena’s personal pillow and Georgina Sparks was breathing the same air as her.

Her life sucked.

“I’d rather-” Chuck began, but the fierce look in Blair’s eyes stopped him. “Whatever.” He huffed like a petulant little child, and took another hit from the pipe. He’d be useless in no time at all.

“Haven’t you had enough?” Nate looked Serena straight in the eyes – blue met blue.

Blair gagged.

“The bathroom’s that way sweetie.” Georgina shot her a shit eating grin and Blair had to restrain herself from starting a hair pulling contest.

No doubt she’d win – Blair Waldorf always won.

“Just one more sip Natie.” Serena pleaded, all childlike innocence. Nate just kept looking at her – soul deep or something equally nauseating.

Serena set the bottle down.

Blair said a prayer of thanks.

Serena cuddled up to Nate.

Blair headed for the bathroom.

One hour, twenty three minutes later.

“We’re leaving.” Blair announced to the three people she actually cared about.

“Now.” She demanded.

Serena jumped up from her place on Nate’s lap and barreled into Blair’s arms nearly throwing them both to the ground.

Damn, that girl was heavier than she thought.

Blair smirked – she was thinner.

“Not now S,” Georgina grabbed Serena’s hand and pulled her away from Blair. “Stay a while longer. The party’s just getting started. Snow White can make her own way home.” Georgina shot this at Blair and the girls began their usual end of the night pissing contest.

The winner is…

“Snow White?” Chuck popped up from his place on the couch beside Carter – had they gone through an entire dime bag?

Holy Shit – Charles Bass knew how to party.

“Lay back down sweetie, I’ll explain it to you later.” Georgina eye fucked Chuck until Blair yanked Serena back and stepped right in front of Chuck so Georgina could not longer see him.

Take that bitch.

“Serena’s staying.” Georgina announced and went to pull Serena back to her.

“Serena-” Nate called out and before Georgie knew what hit her, the wildest princess in the UES flitted over to her knight in shining armor, leaving two fuming queens behind her.

Didn’t they know that was just the way she was?

“Let’s take a bubble bath!” Serena squealed, the invitation open to the entire room. All three male heads in her near vicinity and a few others from across the room perked up. “Come on! It’ll be fun!” She jumped up and clapped her hands.

How could you say no to that face?

“No Serena.” Blair told her sternly.

“Yeah S, sounds awesome! Go get it started. I’m sure Nate’ll help you.” Georgina shooed them out of the room, Nate looking pleased but sending nervous looks in Blair’s direction.

“Looks like everyone’s staying,” Georgie turned back to Blair. “But I’m sure you can find the door. Don’t let me keep you.” Georgie turned her back to walk away – definitely joining the bath tub rendezvous but Blair had other ideas.

You never walked away from Queen B – never.

“You conniving little crack whore.” Blair grabbed her arm and spun her around. “Why don’t you crawl back into the whole you came from. I’m sure all your white trash boyfriends miss you.”

“Careful B, you’re claws are showing.” Georgie smirked, her evil eye liner glowing darker and darker as Blair glared back at her.

“I’ll show you claws-” Too much alcohol and way too much Nate and Serena cuddling pushed Blair past the point of reason and she launched herself at one Georgina Sparks.

She might be upper class, but she could still get down and dirty when she needed to.

Chuck materialized out of no where, scooping Blair into his arms and carrying her backwards away from a very startled Georgina.

Didn’t she know, you didn’t mess with a Waldorf – especially not that one.

“Calm down Waldorf.” Chuck whispered in her ear, and good sense came flooding back.

Had she really almost started a public brawl?

EWW.

“You can let go now Chuck.” Blair bit and tried to wriggle out of his arms, which were still tightly wrapped around her waist.

“Keep doing that. I like it.” Chuck’s deep voice rumbled in her ear, and she cursed the goose bumps that appeared on her skin.

That bitch Georgina was freezing them now on top of everything else!

Sure Blair, that’s it.

“If you don’t let go of me right now I’m going to make it so you don’t like anything ever again Chuck.” She gritted through her teeth, and with a familiar chuckle he let her out of his arms.

Blair resituated her dress.

Short enough B?

Chuck watched her.

He always liked what he saw.

“Bubble bath?” Chuck met her right in the eyes – a challenge.

Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf – it was a toss up.

Blair headed for the bathroom. Chuck followed Blair. Georgina watched amused.

UES fireworks were always the best.

Serena was in the tub, bubbles galore, her shiny gold dress clinging to her in some very interesting ways. Chuck and Nate took notice. Blair hated her for it. Serena didn’t pay attention to any of them – she was making bubble castles.

Oh my S, maybe you should avoid the Tequila.

Chuck is always right.

But then, we knew that already.

“You let her?” Blair could feel her blood pressure rising.

Did Nate boast any brain cells at all?

“I didn’t let her.” Nate frowned at Blair. Why were his smiles always reserved for Serena?

Do you really want that answer B? – Didn’t think so.

“Get in Blair! Get in! It’s so fun.” Serena giggled and grabbed for Nate’s arm. Before Blair could do anything Nate was dumped into the tub.

What a perfect Golden pair.

“Serena!” Nate laughed.

He wasn’t mad.

He never got mad at her.

“You look funny.” Serena smiled at him – not a drunk smile, but a Serena smile.

Who could compete with that?

“This is…” Blair couldn’t even speak.

“Oh fun. Party.” Georgina appeared at the door, but before she could jump in and join the fun, Chuck shut the door in her pretty puckered face.

He never did like that bitch.

Blair turned to Chuck.

“Do something.” She ordered.

“What do you suggest?” Chuck returned, barely disguising his amusement.

“Get her out.” Blair fumed.

Classic. Oh, so classic.

“One bubble. Two bubble – Nate!” Serena began squealing again and Blair nearly stomped her feet.

What was so fucking funny?

“You’re a mess.” Nate’s voice was all soft and filled with affection.

Chuck went into action to avoid disaster.

He handed a towel to Nate and lifted him out, shoving him towards his girlfriend, before jerking Serena out as well. She fell willingly into his arms and began grabbing for his hair.

Why did she always mess with the hair?

“You need a haircut Chuckles.” She patted his cheek sweetly and laughed.

He hated that damn nickname.

Careful S, you don’t want to drown in Georgina Spark’s bath tub.

“Lets go.” Chuck shoved Serena over to the sink and began splashing cold water in her face. She sputtered. He splashed more.

“No more! No more!” Serena begged and ducked under Chuck’s arm to head for Blair, who would still not even look at a pathetic puppy dog looking Nate.

“What was I supposed to do?” Nate asked helplessly.

Buy a clue Romeo.

“Blair bear!” Serena hugged Blair tight, refusing to loosen her grip when Chuck tried to pull her away. “Make him stop.” Serena whined, and Blair shoved Chuck away and took the towel from him.

“Come here.” Blair sighed.

Would this ever end?

Blair wrapped the towel around Serena, and pushed the hair back from her still dripping face. She was a beautiful fairie, untouchable and undeniable. Blair hated her. But she loved her more.

“Let’s go home.” Blair looped her arm through Serena’s and opened the door to go out, Nate and Chuck trailing closely behind them.

“Jesus you’re dripping Nathanial.” Chuck complained.

“Shut up Chuck.” Nate returned, tired – no more magic for him tonight. The queen was pissed and the princess had forgotten he existed again.

He’ll never learn.

They passed through the hallway where a crackhead friend of Georgina’s was shooting up. Blair huffed scandalized by it all. Serena stared. Chuck and Nate kept trooping on behind them.

Those boys, they’ll never catch up.

The living room was mostly deserted except for Georgina and Carter going at it on the couch. Serena opened her mouth to say something, but then thought better of it and simply laid her head on Blair’s shoulder.

“Double bag it.” Chuck called back to Carter as he grabbed his jacket and scooped up Blair and Serena’s purses.

“Who’s place are we going to?” Blair looked back at the boys, and then down at a sniffling Serena.

“Mom’s therapist is staying over.” Serena answered first.

“Renovating.” Chuck was next.

“Daddy has friends in for the weekend.” Blair piped in and they all looked at Nate.

“Sure. But you can’t leave your shit there this time.” Nate looked right at Chuck. “My maid found it and showed my mom. I can’t sit through another safe sex talk.” Nate grimaced and walked up to stand beside Serena, lending her his arm so she didn’t take both her and Blair down.

Chuck came up on Blair’s side and she shot him a suspicious look. “What did you leave there?”

Chuck just smiled.

He was Chuck Bass.

Didn’t that just say it all.

Authors Note: So after GG actually gave these two a scene together I decided I was inspired and decided to write up this one shot for them. There's not really any spoilers, except about a certain character's reappearance. Beside the infamous G, I pretty much guessed at what could (should) happen. This my first Nate/Serena fic, but I enjoyed writing it, not quite as daunting as I thought it would be. :)



Serena’s One Day


Don’t you love me? Can’t you understand? These were the questions going through Serena van der Woodsen’s head as her boyfriend Dan Humphrey stared at her with blank brown eyes. In the back of her heart she’d always feared this moment, the moment when Dan would figure out all the horrible things she’d done in the past and judge her for them. Over time when nothing had come out, and she and Dan had found happiness together; she’d convinced herself this day would never come. She let herself believe that Dan would never look at her the way he was now, like she’d betrayed him somehow. She supposed his total disillusionment with her, his ultimate dream girl, was a betrayal to Dan. But as he stood there, practically glaring at her, she felt like the one betrayed. He had asked her to trust him, to love him, to choose him over her former life, and she had. She’d changed for him, become a new girl, with new values. But she’d never promised him her past was clean – she’d never once lied about who she had been. So for him to stand there and judge her now, to throw all her love and devotion back in her face… it hurt her. It ripped at places inside of her she thought had long since been buried.

“Is what Georgina said true?” He asked with all his hurt and anger vibrating in his voice. She wanted to reach out to him, to pull him to her and hold him there. But she didn’t dare touch him. “Tell me the truth Serena!” He screamed at her, and she took a step back, shocked by the rage she felt emanating off of him.

“Georgina hates me. She blames me for a lot of things and she’s just trying to get back at me. She doesn’t want me to be happy Dan and she knows I’m happy with you. You have to ignore her. You have to.” Serena begged as fresh tears filled behind her eyes, and began rolling down her cheeks one by one. She felt like she was being split apart at the seams, and all she needed was for him to stop looking at her like he was.

“Maybe you’re right. I don’t know, I don’t care.” Dan snapped as he took a step toward her, valiantly trying to keep his cool. “What I want is the truth from you. All that stuff she said you did… did you do it?” Serena continued to cry and turned her face away from him, so Dan grabbed onto her arms and spun her back around.

This time when she met his eyes she no longer found anger, instead she found disappointment. It was like he knew what her answer would be before she even said anything and for that she hated him. In that second standing there with his hands clenching her arms, and her tears soaking her skin – she no longer loved Dan Humphrey.

“Yes.” Serena managed to get out as she jerked herself away from him and brought a hand to her face to wipe away all her remaining tears. She wouldn’t cry another one for him, not that night. “It’s the truth.”

Dan just stared at her a lost little boy with no where to turn. She expected him to start screaming at her again, to call her a whore, or worse. But he did nothing. He just stood there, staring, barely breathing. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore and she began to grab for her coat.

“Serena…” Her name sounded dirty on his lips now, like she was something to be ashamed of, not cherished as he had before. “I don’t know what to say to you…” He admitted helplessly, and she wanted to scream at him to just love her again. But the words wouldn’t form, so they just stood there in the tortured silence they’d both brought about.

“I need to get out of here.” She finally managed when she felt the tears coming back. She knew any minute she was going to fall apart and for the first time in a long time she didn’t trust him to catch her. She needed to find Blair. She needed someone who wasn’t going to look at her like she was trash. And right now that couldn’t be Dan.

“Do you want me to…” He began to offer to walk her out, but stopped himself and instead turned his back on her. Serena felt it like it was a slap on the face, and irritating tears began falling again. She grabbed her coat and purse quickly then and got out before Dan could see them.

She wouldn’t give him that.

Serena walked aimlessly for a while, telling herself she’d go to Blair’s when she got her head together a little bit more. But the idea of letting Blair know that she was right about Dan all along made Serena feel nauseous. Her best friend was likely to hunt Dan down herself and flog him for turning his back on Serena now. And as much as the vision of that amused Serena, she knew it would do no good. She couldn’t let Blair fight her battles for her. She also didn’t want to add fuel to Blair’s ire where Georgina was concerned. Serena knew one wrong step and Georgie would expose her to the whole world – that was something Serena couldn’t face yet.

To cap Serena’s already horrible evening off it began to rain. She started to run for shelter but then figured what the hell, maybe the rain could wash all this away. At this point drowning in it wasn’t such a bad option. Thunder erupted in the sky soon after, and the clouds opened up with a torrential downpour that soaked Serena through and through. If her mother could see her now, she would cringe.

An hour later Serena found herself on a vaguely familiar doorstep. She hadn’t been to this house in so long, she’d forgotten exactly what it looked like. But there was no forgetting the intricately carved name on the pure gold knocker that Captain Archibald had insisted his wife purchase. This was Nate’s house, one of her favorite places to escape to when she was a kid, and then later so much more.

She hesitated a few minutes on his stoop as the rain continued to drizzle around her. It was stupid to come to Nate now and drop all her problems on him. It had been forever since they’d been those kinds of friends, and she knew the blame for that was almost solely on her. She’d cut him out when she’d come back to town, determined to find a different life for herself. She knew Nate hadn’t understood, but then he was Nate and he had never pushed her to explain. That’s just the way they were, big cowards when it came to each other.

She was about to turn around and head back to her own place, maybe have a drink with Chuck or play video games with Erik, when the door opened and a scruffy looking Nate opened the door. His blue eyes were bleary with sleep, and he needed a good shave to look his usual self, but the rest of him was just as she always pictured him. Her once great shining white knight – oh how she’d missed that face.

“Hi.” She tried to smile at him but it came out half hearted it and without further adieu he opened the door up for her and pulled her inside. “Nate-” She began to explain, but he shot her a quelling look before disappearing and then reappearing with a towel that he handed her.

“You look cold.” His expression was detached and hard to read and she worried that she’d made a colossal mistake showing up here and barging in on him. He didn’t deserve her laying all her crap on him like this, when she’d hardly been a friend to him.

“I got stuck in the rain.” She explained lamely and left out the part about walking around in it for the past hour. Nate didn’t ask for more details though, just grabbed her hand and pulled her up the stairs with him.

“I’ll get you some dry clothes.” He murmured as the ascended the dark staircase. She noticed that he never let go of her hand, and she was grateful for the small comfort of his warm palm against her own. Somehow Nate always found a way to help her, even when he wasn’t trying.

She had missed that.

Once inside Nate’s room he rummaged through his drawers and pulled out a pair of his boxers, the ones with sailboats on them that she’d given him their freshman year, and an old blue polo shirt that still smelled of his cologne. She took them both from him gratefully and waited for him to turn around before she pulled off her wet clothing and put them on. They were soft and warm, and reminded her of easier times spent in that room – times she’d give anything to return to.

“I’m decent.” She announced a minute later, and he turned around to meet another shaky smile from her – this one almost reached her eyes, and he actually smiled back. “Thanks Natie.” Her voice quivered as she used his long dead nickname from childhood and he walked around the bed to grab her hand and pull her to sit beside him on it.

“Your room still looks the same – it’s like I’m in a time warp.” She laughed softly and he joined in but said nothing more. She wished for a moment that he would ease the tension and provide her with small talk, but that was never in Nate’s nature.

They sat there like that on his bed for a while. She shifted sometime in the silence and her shoulder brushed against his. She almost moved away from him, some bone deep fear that if she got too close the fire that used to be between them would ignite again. It was a foolish worry though because Nate didn’t even react to her presence.

“I’m sorry for showing up here like this.” She said at last, breaking the silence and moving a bit away from him on the bed, so she could turn and meet his eyes. “I had a really bad night and I just… I didn’t know where to go.” She choked as tears once again burned behind her eyes, she blinked them back though before they could fall.

“You can always come to me Serena.” He told her simply and when their eyes locked she had the fleeting feeling that she was home. She pushed that away though, and instead leaned closer to him hoping he would hold her like he used to whenever she got upset.

Nate seemed to sense what she wanted because without further prodding he reached for her and secured her in his arms. Their embrace was stiff and unfamiliar for a moment, before Serena began crying again and his grip on her tightened. She felt his face brush against her neck, as his lips whispered that everything would be okay in her ear. All she wanted then was to be closer to him, to be so close she could drown in him again.


“Nate…” She whispered his name like a long dead friend, and they both pulled back from each other slowly. What she wanted was in her eyes, and in her intentions as she began leaning towards him again.

Before her lips could find his, his grip on her arms tightened and he held her away from him. She was confused for a second, before embarrassment set in and she jumped off the bed, ready to completely flee. She couldn’t believe what a moron she’d been coming to him and just throwing herself at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m gonna leave.” She called to him as she reached blindly for the door and tried to get away from him. Before she could make it though he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her once again and pulling her back.

“Serena, c’mere.” He said her name so reverently that she couldn’t stop herself from collapsing in his arms. And then when he guided her back to the bed and forced her to lay down, she didn’t fight him. Nate would take care of her, he always did.

Sometime later in the middle of the night they continued to lay on Nate’s bed in the darkness. It was storming again and the rain beat paths against Nate’s window pain, as the lightening lit up the dark sky. Serena felt calmer then and reached for Nate’s hand beside her. When they were little she’d always found a way to hold his hand. Sometimes he would be a brat and tell her he didn’t like girls, but most times, especially when they were alone he would simply let her twine their fingers and never say a thing about it. He seemed to understand without words that she needed him, and for better or worse Nate had always been willing to give Serena what she needed.

“I’m sorry I tried to kiss you.” She whispered into the silence, still feeling like a complete idiot for doing that. “It was just… I’m sorry.” She said again, hoping he wouldn’t hold it against her.

“Why did you?” He returned, and she blinked back at him totally shocked that he’d actually just voiced that question. It was a totally un-Nate like thing. She felt incredibly sad then because she realized she hadn’t truly known him in quite a while.

“Because I’m a fool.” Serena tried to brush it off.

“Serena…” All he said was her name, but she knew her answer wouldn’t cut it. Nate would take a lot from her, but apparently he was done with unanswered questions. He’d changed the game on her and Serena was having a hard time catching up.

“You know why Nate…” Serena answered him still trying to avoid actually saying it out loud. There were very few things that truly scared Serena van der Woodsen, but expressing herself truly to Nate Archibald was one of them.

He shifted beside her and began to pull his hand away, obviously not satisfied with her response. She held on tight though and sucked in a deep breath, before answering him as honestly as she could.


“I always run to you when the world’s falling down Nate.” She told him seriously, and when the gravity of that became too much, she added some levity. “It’s like tradition.” Her laugh was hollow, and he didn’t bother to respond to it by laughing in turn.

Silence once again descended around them, and Serena curled herself closer into his arms. He only hesitated for a minute before he wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

The storm began to pass, but the wind was still whipping wildly outside the next time Serena opened her eyes and found Nate watching her. For a silly moment she imagined they were a couple, and they were waking up from a passionate night of love making in each other’s arm. It was a fantasy she thought she’d long since banished from her heart, but here it was popping up again out of the blue.

“What happened?” He finally asked her, but his eyes weren’t accusing like Dan’s and she felt safe telling him. Nate wouldn’t judge her. He wouldn’t be disappointed. The truth was Nate knew exactly who she’d been, because she’d done some of the worst things with him.

“Georgina happened.” She sighed and rolled onto her back. She still kept his hand locked in hers though. “She’s decided to destroy my life, and Dan was number one on that list.”

“Dan’s not stupid enough to buy into Georgina’s shit.” Nate told her bluntly, and a small smile cracked on her lips. She wasn’t sure when this side of Nate had emerged, probably after the whole Chuck-Blair affair, but she liked it.

“Unfortunately he did. She told him all about big bad Serena’s past and he couldn’t get away from me fast enough…” Serena felt the tears coming again, and sighed tiredly. She wondered how long it would take her to put herself back together once again.

“He’s an idiot.” Nate said simply and squeezed her hand.

“Yeah,” Serena agreed with a choked laugh, as she tried to swallow back the emotion she felt creeping up inside of her. “It’s just…” she began trying to pull herself together. “It’s been a really long time since anyone has made me feel that way.” She admitted sadly.

Nate reached up and wiped away the one lone tear that had found its way to her cheek, and she leaned into his touch.

“What way?” He questioned her gently and looked at her in a way that only Nate could. It was soft and knowing, and so affectionate Serena could breathe again, even if just for a moment in his embrace.

“Like I was a whore… like I was nothing.” Her words were barely a whisper, but Nate heard them and pulled her back into his arms, allowing her to lay her head against his chest. She could feel his heart beating against her cheek, and she decided she never wanted to move again.

“You’re not a whore. You’re not nothing.” He told her, and his voice was so strong and sure she almost believed him. “Serena-” He reached out to her and forced her to meet his gaze head on. “You’re a lot of things, wild and crazy sometimes, yes, but you’re not and you’ve never been a whore. And if Dan or anyone else made you feel like that, then they’re not worth it. They don’t deserve you.”

She began crying again, this time full on sobs, and he gathered her in his arms and held her while she got it all out. She told him the whole awful story about Georgina and everything she’d told Dan and how Serena couldn’t deny it.

“I was so messed up then Nate… everything with you and me and Blair… I did a lot of stupid things but I couldn’t even explain it to Dan because he was just standing there looking at me like I’d betrayed him… But that’s who I was, not who I am.” Serena cried brokenly and wrapped her arms around Nate, holding herself against him as tight as she could without cutting off their air supply. Nothing was close enough though.

Her tears finally melted away, and she got herself under control. She loosened her grip on Nate and he let her move away from him, sensing her need for some privacy. He got up and left the room a few minutes later and then returned with some cookies and milk – their kindergarten special.

“You remembered!” She exclaimed, feeling something besides sadness for the first time since she arrived. “God I really missed these cookies. Elsa really knew how to make them all gooey and good.” Serena praised Nate’s lifelong house maid, and Nate grinned in agreement.

“She left some for me for the weekend while my parents are away. My mom has banned all types of chocolate from being in our house when she’s here.” Nate rolled his eyes at his theatrical mother’s antics, and Serena busted into laughter again.

“She’s like skinny as a rail a candy bar would do her good, Nate.” Serena told him still unable to contain her mirth. Anne Archibald truly was a one of a kind, even her mother couldn’t compare to Nate’s mom’s neurosis.

“Whatever, nothing compares to your mother’s macrobiotic diet in eighth grade. Your house smelled like a greenhouse!” Nate threw right back, and then they were both shaking with laughter thinking about Lily and all the disgusting shakes she’d concocted that year.

“Ugh I can still smell that stuff in my nightmares.” Serena grimaced, before snatching up a cookie, and one of the glasses of milk Nate had brought up. “This is still my favorite thing ever.” She announced before messily dunking her cookie in the glass and then taking a big soggy bite. “I don’t care if it makes me fat.” She declared and took another bite.

“You’re disgusting!” Nate joked, before grabbing his own cookie and nearly shoving the whole thing in his mouth.

“You’re a pig!” She shot right back, and then they both grabbed for another cookie, and repeated their actions again. By the time they were done with their third cookie the plate was empty and so were their glasses, but Serena felt infinitely better than when she’d showed up on his doorstep.

“Hey Nate,” she called to him and he looked up to meet her eyes. “Why didn’t you kiss me?” She hadn’t really meant to ask him that, but it had been bothering her for most of the night and she decided she was going to do the brave thing for once.

“Because it was about him and if I kiss you I’d want it to be about me.” He smiled at her shyly, holding her gaze for a moment before looking away and grabbing for his TV remote and flipping the TV on.

“Oh.” She murmured unable to hide how stunned she was.

“Nate…” She called to him again a few minutes later and he turned from the TV back to her. “If I wanted to kiss you just because… would you kiss me then?” She sounded like a little girl, and that made her cringe, but she needed to know his answer.

He grinned at her in return and for a second she thought he might not answer, but then he finally did. “Yeah Serena, I would.” His eyes held hers and then he turned back to the TV.

She settled down beside him and found his hand again, twining his fingers with her own. She wasn’t going to kiss him tonight, not when everything was so fresh with Dan. It wouldn’t be fair to Nate, or Dan, or even herself. She needed to think, be responsible and probably talk to Blair first. But maybe, after she did all that… maybe she could kiss him then. That put a smile on her face as she snuggled back up to him.

Maybe her and Nate’s time would come after all… maybe one day.

Sorry for the wait on this chapter, classes are keep me pretty busy this semester, but I found some time tonight to finish this chapter up. Right now it's all in flashbacks, as most of the story will be, but I'll find my way back to present time eventually. ;) Thanks to everyone for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Anyway no more boring talk onto the update...

PRETTY GIRL



Lovely banner thanks to Camilla!

three.

You picked me up and we spun 'round and 'round like before
I lost my patience but I found it on the floor
I'm trying to be someone else today
I'm foolin' everyone but me this way

Blair was really beginning to despise Chuck Bass. It had been two months since their ill fated little love affair and he was still ignoring her like he had the right. It was not her fault if his feelings got caught up in her, it really wasn’t. He should have known she would go back to Nate, she always went back to Nate, it was like their thing. And so what if it wasn’t healthy, who was Chuck to judge. He was the supreme man whore of the upper east side.

“Okay give it up B, what is going on with you?” Serena demanded as she slid down onto The Met steps beside Blair. This was their thing, every Wednesday afternoon they would skip out on the normal lunch with all their minions and hide away there with no fat fray, and a pilfered bag of peanut mom’s, their favorite.

“I’m just thinking about Nate.” Blair lied easily. If there was one thing she was good at, it was lying. That’s how she survived in this world, if anyone knew what she was really thinking most of the time, she would have been shunned for sure.

“Nope,” Serena shook her head and she shoveled an extra large spoonful of yogurt in her mouth. It made Blair sick watching Serena eat, knowing she would never gain a single pound. “That’s not your Nate face.” Serena said matter of factly.

“My what?” Blair stared back at her like she was the stupidest human being alive, hoping this would discourage her from prodding further.

This was Serena Van der Woodsen, she should have known better.

“Spill.” Serena stared her down, not giving an inch, until Blair finally deflated and let out a long sigh.

It wouldn’t kill her to get this off her chest, and she trusted Serena to keep it secret. There was a lot of things you could say about Serena, she was flighty, lead easily by her heart, and not always 100% reliable, but she could keep a secret. God knew, Blair was well aware of that.

“So I slept with Chuck two months ago, and I think he hates me now.” Blair’s voice was cold and dry, and she prided herself on that. Serena might have been her best friend, but even she wasn’t going to see how worried Blair was, about Chuck of all people.

“Oh.” Serena returned, but said nothing else.

Blair was surprised at first, then a little annoyed, before she realized she could expect nothing else from Serena. Most girls had prying, nosy best girlfriends, not Blair. Serena had never been one to ask for all the juicy details. For a long time Blair just figured that was because her details included Nate, and Serena definitely didn’t seem keen on that subject. But maybe Serena just wasn’t a gossiper.

Who would have thought.

“That’s it?” Blair kept her voice in check, but since she’d gone ahead and spilled this, she required a little advice. She needed Serena to tell her how to get back in Chuck’s good graces, without rocking the boat with Nate (which was almost shipwrecked as it was).

“Oh, I’m surprised?” Serena tried again, and Blair just glared at her.

“You’re so helpful.” Blair snapped, before grabbing for her bag. She was way too tense to sit there and deal with this back and forth today. If Serena wasn’t going to help her, she’d come up with a plan herself. Come to think of it, that was the best course of action to begin with. Before she could get up though, Serena grabbed her hand and pulled her back down.

“I’m sorry I’m a little shocked Blair. You and Chuck? Chuck Bass. The boy who looked up your skirt when you were twelve and announced to everyone that you had pink polka dot panties on? That Chuck?... How?” Serena was still no help, but now Blair was saddled with all these unnecessary questions.

Just great.

“We were twelve, who even remembers that stuff.” Blair bit back and Serena just stared at her, and that all too familiar unflinching blue gaze finally did Blair in. “Damnit I don’t know!” She exploded, earning her a few looks from some tourists passing by. She sent them a prim “mind your fucking business” smile, and they moved on.

“Okay take a breath.” Serena instructed her. “Start from the beginning. Did you cheat on Nate? Does Nate know? Why did you do it?”

Question after question poured out of Serena and Blair just stared at her, half relieved and half annoyed that she’d brought all this up. What most pissed Blair off though was the fact that most of Serena’s concern was aimed at Nate, something that didn’t pass Blair by.

“You’re my best friend, not Nate’s, let’s focus here please.” Blair snapped at the end of her rope, and Serena had the good grace to look contrite. “I don’t know how it happened, one minute I was telling Chuck to mind his own business, because he was being a nosy bastard per usual, and the next he was kissing me. I thought about stopping him, but it was… well he’s a good kisser and then it progressed and then… well you know the way it goes.” Blair finished, unable to hide the blush creeping up her neck.

“So it was a one time, moment of insanity thing. We all have those.” Serena tried to reason, and Blair looked away. “It wasn’t a one time thing? How many times? Do I even want to know?” Blair whipped around and began glaring again. “Okay sorry, continue.” Serena finally shut up.

“It almost happened again. I was all ready to have this hot secret affair with him, and then he got all possessive and brooding, and I could tell I had to stop it then… you know before Nate found out.” Blair explained to Serena, just as she’d explained to herself a 100 times before.

It still sounded like bullshit.

“So Nate has no idea then?” Serena asked, and Blair thought about telling her to forget about Nate, but decided not to be that confrontational, instead she just shook her head. “Wow.” Serena finished lamely, and Blair began glaring again.

“Thanks for being so much help.” She sniped, and Serena rolled her eyes used to Blair’s antics. “Chuck has treated me like I’m a leper ever since. He barely speaks to me. Sooner or later Nate’s going to notice.”

“And that’s why you’re concerned… because Nate might notice?” Serena asked skeptically, galling Blair to no end.

“Yes, of course that’s why I’m worried! Nate is my boyfriend. I love him. He slept with you, I slept with Chuck. Were even now.” Blair took a breath, and ignored the flash of something that came over Serena’s face when she mentioned Nate again. “I’m just not sure Nate would see it the same way.”

“If it’s done with Chuck, then Nate doesn’t need to know.” Serena answered the problem simply and Blair just stared at her. She’d told herself the same thing, but unfortunately she still couldn’t let it go.

“What about Chuck?” Blair’s voice was a whisper when she spoke.

“Chuck is fine. In fact I saw Chuck just this morning cornering some L’Ecole girl. I wouldn’t worry about him if I were you, maybe you dented his ego, but I’m sure that’s it. He’ll come around in time B.” Serena assured her, and for the first time in months Blair felt a little hopeful.

“You’re right.” Blair agreed, a little confidence back in her step. “Chuck can’t be mad at me forever. He’ll get over this and then everything can go back to normal. Well relatively normal since you’re still hooking up with that Brooklyn boy. Remind me what you see in him again?” Blair asked for the millionth time, ready to get off the subject of her (disastrous) love life.

“Because he’s sweet and smart and not to mention hot.” Serena threw back the rehearsed answer she always gave when Blair brought Dan up. Honestly, Blair didn’t mind Dan, she didn’t think he and Serena would last, because Serena was Serena and Dan was just some guy, but he’d do for now.

“Whatever, it’s still weird.” Blair returned, and then they moved onto the subject of what Kati had worn with her uniform that morning, and by the time their FroYo's were gone Blair was feeling much more herself. She would wait Chuck out, keep things on an even keel with Nate and get her life back on track.

It would all work out, she was sure of it.

Three weeks later and Chuck Bass still was not falling into line with Blair’s plan. She’d already bypassed guilt and plain irritation, she was good and pissed now and she was going to do something about it. Tonight She, Nate, Chuck, Serena and Serena’s tag along boyfriend were all going to Chuck’s new club for some disgusting group outing, Serena had insisted would be fun. Blair had agreed because it meant Chuck would actually be forced into the same space with her, or so she’d thought. But instead Chuck had brought Kati – Kati! And he was now purring in that little witch’s ear and pretending Blair didn’t even exist.

Bastard.

Blair was through with these little games though. No one treated her like this, not even Chuck Bass! So she’d convinced Serena to keep Nate occupied while, she discreetly dealt with Chuck. Unfortunately Chuck was not taking the hint, and would not stop flirting with Kati (who Blair now planned to kill).

“Chuck.” Blair broke her silence and called out to him, trying to keep her voice even and emotionless.

It was a losing battle.

“Chuck.” She snapped when he didn’t look up immediately, and finally he groaned and lifted his head from Kati’s neck. “I need to speak to you about that school project I need your help with… somewhere a bit more quiet.” She demanded, shooting a quick glance in Nate’s direction to make sure he was occupied.

Of course he was, Serena was in the room.

Typical.

Blair had little time to worry about Nate though, Chuck was the pressing problem now.

“I’m busy Waldorf.” Chuck returned disinterested, before going at it with Kati again. At this point Blair was going to have to stop off at the bathroom and barf up her dinner. They were a sickening display and she couldn’t take much more.

“I need you now.” Blair was this close to grabbing his hand and dragging him away, right after she bitch-slapped Kati into next week. Of course that would be out of line, but Blair wasn’t really in a rational mood. In fact she hadn’t been rational and sane for quite a while and that was Chuck’s fault too.

Really, everything was Chuck’s fault.

“You need me?” This got Chuck’s attention and he finally disentangled himself from Kati and stood up. “Lead the way B.” He smirked at her, and she didn’t like the triumph she saw in his eyes.

He had another thing coming if he thought he was going to play with Blair Waldorf.

She lead him back to the manager’s office and Chuck politely demanded the man get lost, it was after all his club, there were some perks. Chuck then shut and locked the door behind them, and Blair scoffed under her breath. He could be so predictable sometimes.

“Keep your pants on Chuck, I didn’t come in here to seduce you.” She told him, more of an edge to her voice than she knew was wise. If she didn’t tread carefully he would walk out on her, and that would be embarrassing, not to mention hurtful. She’d never admit that to him or anyone else though.

“Then what was the point?” He returned so smoothly she wanted to gag.

She wanted to scream at him to just be honest, to stop pretending and to just yell at her and get it over with. She deserved it, she knew she did. But Chuck would never open himself up like that, and she couldn’t either. So they just stood their, squaring off against each other in silence.

“I’m done with this.” He mumbled under his breath, before walking around her and heading for the door.

She almost let him go, but at the last minute she pulled herself together and reached out for him. She realized the minute she touched him that she shouldn’t have. There was something explosive between them, something she couldn’t explain or deny, and she knew that if she didn’t get away from him now, they would implode.

She didn’t move.

“Don’t Blair.” His voice was rough with emotion, and it broke down her remaining defenses.

She forgot about Nate, about right and wrong, and all the reasons Chuck Bass was not the one for her. Because the simple truth was she wanted him, she needed him in a way that she had never needed or wanted Nate or anyone else. Chuck got her, without explanation, without even trying, he just did. And that meant more to Blair than a million I love you’s or a bouquet of red roses ever would.

“I don’t like it when you ignore me.” She whispered as she stepped in closer to him. She was standing right in front of him now, but she still couldn’t meet his eyes. She felt raw and exposed in a way that she hated. But she knew if she didn’t give him this now, he would walk away and she couldn’t handle that.

So she gave herself away, in the only way she could.

“I don’t like seeing you with Kati or other girls.” She continued, and felt his hand brush down her cheek until it rested on her neck. The small gesture gave her more confidence and she went on. “I’ve missed you.” She admitted at last, and it was ripped from somewhere deep inside her.

“Look at me.” He demanded, and she shook her head in refusal because she was terrified of what she would see if she did. And even more afraid of what he would see. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes and she hated the weakness, but she couldn’t push them back.

“Look at me Blair.” He begged her, and the simple concession did her in.

So she looked, and as she feared the emotion reflected between them swamped her. She didn’t want this to be happening, she didn’t want to be feeling what she was feeling for him. He was dangerous and uncertain, he couldn’t provide her with the stability Nate could or a guy like Nate could. But in that moment there in that room, Blair no longer cared.

“Kiss me.” She pleaded softly, and very slowly he began leaning down towards her. She no longer had thoughts of stopping him or even questions like why or how. All she thought about was how complete he made her feel, like she’d found her way home. It was scary, but also comforting.

Finally his lips met hers and their kisses were no longer frantic with desire, they were slow burning and torturous. He was setting her on fire from the inside out, and part of her hated him for it, but there was another emotion too and she refused to name it or even think about it. So she just kissed him, again and again, giving him everything she had, everything she felt, until they had to pull apart out of breath.


There was no taking their time after that, they were ravenous for each other, and unable to stop themselves. She grabbed for him first, pulling at any piece of clothing she could find, doing her best to strip him. He allowed her to control him for a few minutes, following where she lead, but it became too much for him and before she knew it her dress was pooled around her feet at the ground and he was staring at her in a way that made her shiver.

“Don’t.” She tried to shield her chest with her arms, which was only covered by the skimpy lace bra she’d been wearing. She’d bought it last week telling herself it was for Nate, but standing there with Chuck she knew the truth.

It was him, it had been him for a long time now.

“You’re beautiful.” His voice was awed and filled with the same untold emotion that consumed her. He would never verbalize it, because he was the same as her. For a moment she worried that that would sink them, but pushed it away when he came towards her again.

He gently pulled her arms away, and pushed them down by her sides, but he didn’t resume kissing her like she expected, instead he held her. It lasted barely a minute, before he pulled away and shut that side of himself down again, but she felt it deep inside and it started her stirring again. She needed to be close to him, she wanted to be consumed by him.

The frenzy began all over again and this time both were successful in divesting each other of their clothes. He ran his hands over her in greedy reverence, and she returned the favor, hungry for every touch and kiss she received. Chuck was the only lover she’d ever known, and it scared her to think he would be the one she measured all others against. But what scared her even more was the fact that as she came together with him, she decided she never wanted anyone else.

Just him, always him.

The aftermath was a bit messy. The desk was a mess and their clothes were everywhere. But somehow Blair wasn’t uncomfortable or even in a hurry to go back to their table, Nate and Kati were waiting for them, the real world she was beginning to hate.

“Chuck-” She began, but he cut her off before she could even get a sentence out.

“I know Blair, you don’t have to say it.”

He sounded defeated and sad, and she hated him for the feelings of guilt that instilled in her. What did he know? Did he know that this was killing her? Did he know that she wanted to march right out there and tell Nate it was over? He couldn’t possibly, but then she looked up and met his eyes and realized he probably did. But he also knew she never would.

“I wish it was different.” She began and she despised how cliché she sounded, but nothing else would come to mind. After all, that was the truth. She did wish it was different. She wished Chuck had come first, she wished that so much right now, that she was gagging on it.

“Wishing is for fools B, you know that.” He returned easily, acting as if he didn’t have a care in the world. But she knew different, she’d seen the way he looked at her, felt the way he held her. And she knew she had him, she had him in the same way that he had her, in a way no one else ever would.

But she was a coward, and they both knew that too.

“I need time.” She decided that sounded like the best option. To end things with Chuck now would be stupid, clearly there was something between them. If she just gave herself a little breathing room, she could sort it all out and come up with a plan.

That’s all she needed, a simple little plan.

Yeah, right.

“You have all the time in the world, but it doesn’t matter. We both know how this is going to end. You and Nate will always be the golden couple, I’ll always be the cad. It’s just the way it is. Don’t kid yourself into thinking it can be anything else.”

His words were harsh, and his voice was monotone, but she knew him better. She reached out to touch him, to comfort him, and herself but he stepped away before she could. He didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes told her all she needed to know. He wasn’t going to wait for her.

“Chuck!” She called out to him, the panic quickly seeping in as he got closer to the door, one step closer to leaving her, maybe for good. “Just give me time. Just a little time to… to figure it out.” She finished lamely and was utterly disgusted by her own behavior.

She never begged for anyone.

“Sure.” He agreed with an easy smile and walked out the door.

She followed after him shortly, the whole time a sinking feeling inside of her that just wouldn’t go away. Nate was happily oblivious when she returned, sending Serena’s boy toy sideways glances, that should have pissed Blair off but didn’t. She and Nate were in a similar situation she realized, chained to each other, while needing others. She still loved him of course, she would always love Nate. But it had changed, and she knew they could never go back. They couldn’t go forward either, both too afraid she supposed.

“Hey.” She smiled fakely at Nate as she slid back in beside him, and he smiled back. She wondered if he hated this as much as she did, she wondered if he resented her as much as she was coming to resent him.

She figured he probably was, but Nate was just as weak as her and he would never do anything to pull them out of this. In the end it would come down to her decision, and she wasn’t ready, not yet.

All she needed was a little time.

AN: I wasn't expecting to have this out so soon, but C/B have a way of inspiring me. Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone who is reading, I'm glad you're enjoying. :)

PRETTY GIRL


Beautiful banner, thanks to Camilla!

two.

I'm down and out
I'm drownin now
I'm fallin down
I'm upside down

Blair stared at herself in the mirror and let her mind drift back to a different time and place, to the beginning. Before she’d fallen, before she’d been broken and broken him in return. It had been an easier time, back then she hadn’t thought so, but hindsight could always spread more light. She used to think that her issues with Nate had been the end of the world, she’d convinced herself he was the one, because she loved him, and they looked nice in print. But he hadn’t been the one, and Chuck had been all too willing to enlighten her to this fact. His methods had been jarring, and she’d hated him for them for a long time, but now as she thought back she was glad. Had Chuck not stormed into her life like the force of nature he was and still is who the hell knew where she would have ended up.

Maybe with Nate, maybe not. She saw now that ending things with Nate had been inevitable. He had been her first real love, childish at times, innocent mostly, one of her best friends then and now. But they had been doomed from the start, because Nate could never love only her, and Blair demanded all or nothing, she always had. So when that relationship had been falling apart, Chuck had swooped in, a gentle touch, a leading comment… he’d set her up for the big fall, he just never imagined he’d fall with her.

“You’re such a snake.” Blair snapped at Chuck as she buttoned her shirt up. He didn’t move an inch though, just lounged back against her bed, completely unaffected by the fact that he was naked. She wasn’t unaffected though, even though she was trying her best to pretend she was.

Chuck Bass was a bastard, a complete train wreck of a human being, and she had just slept with him. Blair wasn’t even sure how it happened, one second she’d been screaming at him telling him to butt out of her life, and the next he was grabbing her and kissing her. Her first thought had been that he had soft lips, her second thought had been that she was losing her mind and should most definitely shove him away. But then his lips had moved from her lips to her neck, and all thoughts had flown out the window completely. It felt good, therefore it must be good.

She was a moron, a complete and utter moron. Not that she’d ever let anyone else in on that little fact, but it was absolutely true after tonight. Only a fool would jump into bed with Chuck Bass – Chuck Bass of all people! Blair knew that by this time tomorrow afternoon, all of the upper east side would be snickering about Blair Waldorf finally giving it up… to Chuck Bass. She’d dated Nate for years, and never once had she been so taken over that they’d sealed the deal. But two seconds with Chuck, and she was gone.

She truly loathed him.

“Don’t look so put out princess, you loved every minute of it.” His voice was deep and rough and flowed over her like a drug. Is this how he got all these girls to lose their minds for him? It must have been.

“You can leave now.” She turned back to him once she’d finished with her shirt, and crossed her arms over her chest. She wanted to look all business, no room for discussion. This would not be happening again, he needed to get that message loud and clear.

“I’m comfortable where I am.” He returned easily and stretched his arms back, before crossing them behind his head. He looked like a sleepy eyed devil, and it killed her that she found that attractive. How had she gone all of these years without noticing how sexy he was? Why hadn’t she kept on being oblivious?

It was all Nate’s fault. If he had just been a better boyfriend, more considerate and loving, she would have slept with him, stayed with him and she would never have found herself in this situation with Chuck. But Nate, though she would always love him, had been a dolt. He just couldn’t see past Serena, to understand that Blair was the one for him, the only one. Well it was his loss, and now her mess unfortunately. She just hoped he never found out… he couldn’t find out.

“I said get out!” She screeched losing her cool and grabbing a near by pillow to lob at Chuck’s head. He bypassed it easily, and his deep laughter filled the room around her.

Oh, she was going to kill him.

Painfully.

“Do not make me hurt you Chuck, I’ll do it.” She threatened him, merely seconds away from going over the edge. Blair needed control. She needed order. And she needed everyone to fit into their proper boxes. Nate was the boyfriend. Serena was the best friend. Chuck was the lecherous, yet lovable lout. Not her lover. Never that.

“I believe you B.” He smirked at her, and finally began moving off the bed. He took his time though, stretching and yawning, and just when she thought she couldn’t take a second more, he ran a hand through his unruly black hair, and she had a vision of that same hair tangled between her own fingers.

Oh, God. She was screwed.

“Now Chuck, right now.” She began screeching again, and he just smiled at her knowingly before grabbing for his pants and pulling them on. She turned away determined not to watch him, but she couldn’t help sneaking a little peak, and found him watching her in return.

“You act so prim and proper, but we both know different, don’t we? Today isn’t going to be a one time thing that would just be a waste. It’s over with Nate, Blair. He’s always going to be hung up on Serena and you don’t want him anyway. You need someone who can keep up with that brilliantly devious mind of yours.” His words all flowed together flawlessly, and for a moment she found herself believing him. He really did have a devil’s tongue.

“Oh and that would be you?’ She scoffed. “Dream again Chuck. I’m not going to be your fuck buddy, not in this life. Nate and I have just hit a rough patch, we’ll work it out. And you and I,” she paused and stepped closer to him, making sure his full attentions were focused on her, “we didn’t happen. Forget it. I am.” She promised venomously, and if she didn’t know him she would have sworn he looked almost hurt.

But she did know Chuck Bass, and nothing affected him. He was colder than her, and way more controlled. No one got through the mountainous walls Chuck put up. He had friends, Nate, her, sometimes Serena when they didn’t hate each other. But even those relationships were skin deep most times, because that’s the way Chuck wanted it. He was the ringleader, the master manipulator, but he never really climbed into the ring with the rest of them. He watched, he made fun of them, but he never sunk to their level. Blair had always envied that about him.

“Stop deluding yourself Waldorf, it doesn’t become you. An hour ago you let me fuck you and unless I’m mistaken I was most definitely the first. Tell me you can forget that…” He whispered, his voice husky and seductive.

Her silence was answer enough for him, and he lifted his hand to brush against her cheek. Blair closed her eyes for a moment, hoping he’d kiss her again. But he never did, the moment ended, and as she opened her eyes she heard the door closing behind her, and Chuck was no where to be found.

Blair braced herself for the gossip the next day at school, but by lunch there was still no whisperings and she realized Chuck hadn’t said a thing. That warmed a small place inside of her that refused to be silent. So by the end of the day she decided to seek Chuck out and talk. If nothing else, they were friends, dysfunctional friends yes, but friends all the same.

She couldn’t exactly apologize for her behavior the other day, but she could find some subtle way to thank him for his silence. Though she loathed to admit it, Chuck did understand her, most times better than even Nate. She figured it was that whole birds of a feather thing, she and Chuck were way more alike than most people knew. She intended to keep it that way, but she figured a small gesture of appreciation couldn’t hurt.

Blair made her way to the suite Chuck’s family kept at the Palace and conned a maid to let her in to wait for Chuck. After the second hour passed, she became annoyed and pulled out her phone to call him. He didn’t answer, so she left him a clipped voice mail demanding her call her as soon as he got it.

Another hour passed.

Blair was moving passed annoyed into the pissed and enraged category. Knowing Chuck he was probably out screwing one of his little L’Ecole whores, or some trashy working class girl with only half a brain. The more she imagined him with other girls, the more her ire raised, and by the time he and Nate walked in the door forty five minutes later, she was raring to go.

“You’re such a disgusting pig!” She blasted him the second she saw him, and his face flashed between confused and amused, but he said nothing to defend himself. “Where have you been? I have been waiting here all afternoon and I hate waiting.”

“Hello Blair.” He greeted her non chalontly and through his scarf and bag onto the near by couch, before heading over to the wet bar and pouring himself a drink. “Nathanial? Blair?” He raised the liquor in their direction, asking if they’d like any and they both shook their heads. “Suit yourself.” He murmured before throwing back a large portion of it.

“Hey,” Nate walked over to Blair, a sheepish expression on his face. Blair softened a bit, and tried to calm herself down. It would do her no good to air her dirty laundry to Nate, especially since she’d decided she’d forgive him by Sunday and get back together with him. There was no need for him to know about her and Chuck’s little… liaison.

“Hi.” She plastered a fake smile on her lips, and heard Chuck make some irritating little scoffing sound behind her.

“What are you doing here?” Nate asked obviously, and Blair just blinked in return, her mind working a mile a minute to come up with some excuse, but nothing she could think of made sense. “Blair?” Nate was watching her, clearly concerned, and more than a little bit confused. “Is everything alright?”

If she wasn’t so panicked to come up with a plausible excuse, she would have found it sweet that Nate was so worried about her. But unless she came up with something soon, Chuck would probably spill the beans just to screw her over. She was actually surprised he hadn’t started bragging yet. He had bagged Blair Waldorf after all, and wasn’t that a big thing to guys? It galled her that he didn’t find her special enough to brag about, even though she realized that was insane on her part. She should have just been grateful.

“I told her I’d help her with one of her charity projects.” Chuck explained, saving her at the last minute. He walked around them, and slapped a heavy arm around Blair’s shoulder, smiling brightly (fakely) down at her. “You know our little Blair, such a busy little bee.” He mocked, but it flew right over Nate’s head, just as he intended.

“You’re just so helpful.” Blair grinned so hard she felt her cheeks were going to split open. She didn’t know how Chuck did this to her, confused her, amused her, attracted her all at once. It wasn’t natural or nice in her opinion. He knew how much she needed her order.

“Okay then.” Nate glanced back and forth between them for a minute, before grabbing for his coat and heading to the door. “I promised someone I’d meet up with them…” he turned back and looked at them again, before shaking his head and reaching for the door. “I guess I’ll see you later.”

As soon as Nate was out of the door, Blair shrugged Chuck’s arm off of her and rounded on him furiously.

“You’re a cretant!” She railed at him, and without meaning to she began pushing him hard in the chest. Blair was not naturally a violent person, sure she’d had dreams of smacking the hell out of Serena a time or two, but she’d never actually done it. Once again Chuck was bringing some new side of her out, and she didn’t appreciate it at all.

Before she could do any serious damage, Chuck snagged both of her wrists and held her back from him. He didn’t speak, just waited for her to calm herself down, but he still didn’t release her once she did, which didn’t go unnoticed by her.

“I do not appreciate being kept waiting. What were you off screwing one of your little sluts.” She snapped peevishly and immediately regretted her tone. She sounded like a jealous harpy, which she very well might have been in that moment, but she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing it.

“Is that what has you so upset?” He actually had the audacity to laugh in her face, and she began struggling again in his grasp so she could hit him, this time preferably across his smug face.

“Don’t laugh at me you creep.” She demanded furiously, ready to chop his balls off as soon as he released her. Chuck Bass was a womanizing jerk, and she was not about to be a joke.

“I was with Nate, clearly. If you stopped for a moment and reacquainted yourself with reality, you’d realize that.” His voice was cold and controlled, and she felt more foolish than ever. He probably thought she was a complete nut job now.

Not that his opinion of her mattered.

It didn’t.

AT ALL.

“You can let me go now.” She told him through gritted teeth, using all the strength she had to contain her anger.

He stared down at her for a moment, his grip on her wrists loosening just a bit, as his thumbs ran a gentle path across the back of her hand. She had to force her eyes to stay open, when all she wanted to do was drift away and enjoy his touch again. She wasn’t sure how he kept doing this to her, but she loved and hated it with equal measure.

“Blair…”

The way he said her name felt so intiment, almost caring. Her body swayed closer to his, and his hands move from her wrists, up her arms, until they rested on her shoulders, and pulled her up against his body, until she could feel every hard muscle of his crushed against every soft curve of hers. It was a delicious friction that she didn’t want to lose anytime soon.

He looped an arm around her waist to hold her up, as he leaned his head down and rested it in the crook of her neck. She could feel his warm breath brushing against her skin and she shivered in his embrace. He felt so good, better than anything ever before in her life.

“Don’t you know no one else can compare to you.” He whispered smoothly, so seductive she clung to him harder, yearning for more, for anything he was willing to give her. His fascination with her was intoxicating, she liked who she was in his eyes.

He pulled back from her slowly, never allowing their bodies to move too far. His eyes were hazy with wanting, and she knew hers probably reflected the same thing. She was a good liar, always had been, but she could no longer lie to herself.

She wanted Chuck.

Hell, she might even need him.

“Look at me.” He demanded, and she slowly opened her eyes to peer into his.

There was something so intense, so overwhelming staring back at her that she almost looked away. But she was made of tougher stuff than that, and forced herself to face him, to face herself and what she was feeling. She knew whatever this was between them could go no where. Nate was her future, she had their future together all mapped out. But Chuck could be right now, what they had could be enjoyed…for a little while.

Didn’t she deserve that much?

She’d paid her dues over the years. She’d put up with the whole Nate and Serena cheating fiasco hadn’t she? She’d forgiven them both and gotten them all back on track. It wasn’t her fault that Nate was too wrapped up in his family problems to be a good boyfriend, nor was it her fault that she was a bit high strung and demanding. That just went with the territory. Overall she’d been a freaking saint. So she could do this now, and be forgiven later.

And even if she wasn’t, in that moment, she didn’t much care.

“I want you. I think about you all the time, even when I’m trying not to, even when I’m with other girls.” She tried to look away from him, unhappy with the reminder that others shared him, but he held onto her chin and refused to let her run from him again. “I’m losing my mind over you Blair.”

Just that, that one sentence, with all that feeling behind it, did her in. She grabbed his face between her hands and pulled him to her, crushing his lips with her own and greedily taking everything he had to give. Chuck wasn’t slow, and without prodding his mouth moved against hers rough and demanding. His need for her excited her, and she began pushing him back towards the bed.

“Wait.” He held her away from him, but she didn’t want to be deterred and tried to find his lips again. Nothing had ever felt more right, which terrified her, but also thrilled her. She could be wild and free with him, there was no inhibition, no standard of etiquette she had to meet.

“Blair.” He laughed and it was filled with sex and promise, so she allowed him a moment and met his eyes again. “Tell me you want me.”

“You know I do.” She returned breathlessly, and grabbed for him again. She found the buttons on his shirt and began popping them frantically. Her hands found the smooth skin of his chest, and she traced her fingers against his abs, and lower until she met the buckle on his belt. “I want you.” She whispered. “I want you.” She continued as she undid his belt and moved onto his zipper.

“Just me?” He demanded, his eyes sparkling with some indefinable emotion she didn’t even want to think about.

She knew what he was asking. He wanted her to forsake Nate and all her future dreams. And for a second she considered it, she pictured a different life, with a different leading man. She and Chuck. It could work, she knew it could. She could make anything work. But the second of insanity passed, and she pulled away from him, the haze clearing from her eyes.

“This is crazy.” She whispered, close to tears and turned away from him. She roughly wiped at her mouth, trying to clear away all the smeared lipstick she knew was there. She could hear him moving behind her, but was too cowardly to look at him.

A few more minutes crept by in silence, until she couldn’t stand it anymore and forced herself to face him. He was still shirtless, but he’d zipped his pants back up, and was currently lounging on the bed looking over the room service menu. He looked unaffected and in control, but his fingers were gripping the menu so hard she thought he might snap it at any minute.

“I’m sorry-“ She began to apologize, to plead with him if that’s what it took, but his eyes snapped up at her the moment she began speaking, and the look in them silenced her. He didn’t look amused or even tolerant, he looked angry, disappointed. And the thing that stung her the most, that nearly had her changing her mind, was the fact that Chuck Bass, boy without feelings, looked hurt.

And she’d done that to him.

“You need to leave.” His voice was controlled, but she could tell he didn’t have a tight reign on his emotions.

The masochistic part of her wanted to stay, to force a fight so they could get it all out there. But the outcome terrified her, so without another word she grabbed her things and walked towards the door. She didn’t run. She’d never run from anyone. But the second she was outside, she let the tears begin to fall, and never looked back.

One week later, she did as she’d planned and got back together with Nate. They made sense, they were safe and easy, and despite all his shortcomings (and her own) they worked. She was no longer sure that she was madly in love with Nate, she did love him, and knew she would forever. But her feelings for Chuck, whatever they had been, had turned her world upside down.

Nate never suspected anything, and any fear that Blair had that Chuck might out them, quickly vanished. Chuck avoided her, barely spoke a word when he was forced to be in her presence. That stung, more than she wanted to think about. She’d never meant to complicate her life or his, but she had. And now there was no going back, no erasing the ache that had settled into her heart whenever she thought of him.

She’d survive though, she always did.

PRETTY GIRL

one.

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get him out of your head

Blair Waldorf was a wreck. There was no other way to describe her. She was nearly an hour away from her wedding, and she wasn’t sure she was actually in love with her fiancé. He was handsome and kind, and they’d shared so much through the years, but was that really enough to bet the rest of her life on. Could she imagine having children with this man? Growing old with him? When he’d asked her to marry him she’d said yes, and thought the rest would just work itself out. But “the rest” was still there, in the flesh, and she could no longer ignore him or the sharp pain in her heart that accompanied just the mention of his name.

Chuck Bass.

He had been the plague of her existence for so long now, she really couldn’t imagine a time when she hadn’t loved and hated him in equal measure. He had made her happy at times, and totally miserable at others, but throughout the last seven years he had been the one constant. His charming smirk that enraged and endeared her at the same time, his messy black hair that always stuck out, his deep voice that to this day could still send shivers down her spine. She’d been drowning in him for so long, she didn’t know any other way to live.

But today, she knew she had to let him go. She had to look at him and just see an old friend, a guy she once loved, but no longer did. And that wrecked her, that tore at places inside of her she forgot existed. She’d said goodbye to him so many times now that the word just felt false. Goodbye meant nothing between them, it was just a pause until the next time they saw each other and everything picked back up. But that wasn’t fair to her fiancé, it wasn’t even fair to herself or Chuck anymore and she knew she had to end it. She had to say goodbye again, and mean it.

That scared the hell out of her.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

Serena’s concerned voice snuck up behind Blair, and she twirled around to face her best friend, a rehearsed answer on the tip of her tongue. But the words got clogged in Blair’s throat, and instead of reassuring Serena, she began crying. Not sobbing, because that was beneath her, but silent tears that trickled down her cheeks, not daring to mess up her mascara.

“Blair.” Serena rushed to her immediately and reached out with a tissue to clean Blair’s face up.

Serena knew Blair better than anyone, she knew that for the first two months after she and Chuck broke up the first time, Blair had gone to sleep crying, because she simply couldn’t help herself. She knew that even now as Blair stood in a white wedding gown, getting ready to marry another man, that Chuck Bass was still deeply imprinted on Blair’s heart and that wasn’t likely to change anytime soon. But Serena would never call Blair out on this, she knew better. Everyone knew better than to make Blair Waldorf face a truth she didn’t want to. Everyone but Chuck, but then he had never followed her rules.

Chuck hadn’t followed anyone’s rules.

“If this isn’t what you want I’ll go out there and tell them all to go home. You can still do that B. Nate can get you out the back, while I break it to the masses. No one would blame you.” Serena tried to assure her, but Blair just laughed bitterly in return.

“They’ll talk about me, Serena, you know they will. They’ll say I’m a bitch or a flake or both. And he’ll… he’ll hate me if I do this to him.” Blair shook her head and wiped at her eyes. “No, there is no way I’m making a mess of my life again. I’m in this. I love him.” Blair swore, and she truly meant it.

“I know you do, but do you love him the same way you love Chuck?” Serena asked softly and Blair’s eyes turned to ice as she glared her friend down. “Don’t look at me like that. I know you Blair, and I know that today would not be happening if Chuck had stepped up and-“

Blair raised her hand to silence Serena before she could pour more salt into Blair’s old wounds. They both knew how the story went. Blair had put it all out there for Chuck, she’d loved him, accepted him, and give him chance after chance, but it had never been enough. She had never been enough for him, enough to make him be faithful, to make him stay, just not enough.

“Don’t do this if you’re not sure.” Serena practically pleaded, and new tears sprung to Blair’s eyes.

How could she be sure? What did that even mean? She’d been sure before in her life. She’d been sure in high school that she and Chuck would go to college together, graduate, get married and have 2.5 kids. But life had thrown her curveballs and she’d had to make new plans. She had a new man, a new life, and most of the time she was happy. Most of the time had to be enough, it just had to be, because she was too scared to look at the alternative.

“I am sure.” She promised Serena, and then turned back to the mirror to inspect herself again. She was beautiful, she knew that, but she wasn’t glowing, and she wondered why. Brides should glow, their joy should be infectious. But she had no joy today, just worry, just dread… just sadness.

She would start a new life when she said “I do”. And that’s what she wanted, what she was sure she needed. But that new life didn’t include Chuck, or these feelings that just wouldn’t leave her alone.

“You don’t look it.” Serena shot back at her bluntly and Blair almost snapped back, but decided it was pointless. Serena was right, sure was something Blair could never be. “Don’t do it Blair, tell him the truth now before you’re married and it’s worse. You’ve tried for years to get over Chuck, but it’s never worked and you know it. He’s here now Blair, he’s ready. I know he’s hurt you, but I also know you love him. Can’t you just…” Serena’s voice drifted away as Blair began crying again.

“Just what?” Blair exploded, all her cool control lost. “Forgive him? Sure! Yes! I can forgive him, but who’s to say he won’t do it to me again. I have given everything to him Serena. I gave chance after chance, but it was never enough, he always needed something more, something different. How can I gamble the rest of my life on him? I can’t.” Blair proclaimed vehemently. “I won’t.”

“Okay.” Serena gave in, seeing the finality in Blair’s eyes. “Well, let’s go B, your big moment has arrived.” Serena grabbed for her bouquet, and Blair’s and opened the door, but before she could get out, Blair called out to her.

“Serena?”

“Yeah?” Serena turned around, her eyes filled with hope. Hope that Blair would stop this train wreck now, before it got worse. And Serena had lived enough life to know it would get worse. Things like this always did.

“Just give me a minute… I’ll be right out.” Blair promised, and Serena simply nodded and shut the door, giving Blair her privacy again.

Blair sat down in a nearby chair, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. If she tried hard enough, she could go back in time and remember what it used to be like, remember who she used to be, the dreams she used to wish for. So while the rest of the world waited outside the bridal suite, Blair allowed herself to look back one last time, on the boy who stole her heart, and never remembered to give it back.

Chuck Bass.

AN: Okay so this is my first attempt at a Ryan/Taylor fanfic, actually my first attempt at an OC fic period. I've written for NH/OTH for years, but I usually don't venture out of that category. Hopefully this doesn't go too badly. This is season 4, everything that's happened has happened and it goes from there... Tell me what you think.

"She Smiles" 1/1

He thinks he’ll never be able to breathe again. He thinks he’s doomed to sleep walk through the rest of his life. And part of him thinks that’s not a curse at all, part of him thinks that’s the only humane thing that could be done for him. He’s split into a million different pieces, the only thing any of them have in common is that they miss [i]her[/i]. He thinks about her every waking moment and when he’s asleep he dreams about her. He can’t escape her and the scariest part is he doesn’t want to.

He would rather hallucinate about her than be with anyone else.

Sandy keeps telling him that it will get easier, but he thinks Sandy is full of shit. Because Kirsten is alive, he and Seth are alive. Sandy doesn’t understand, he can’t understand… He wasn’t there that night, he didn’t hold her bloodied body as she lay dead on the side of some cold concrete road.

She’s dead. He tried to deny it at first. He tried to will her back to life, but he failed. The first minute after he actually realized she was gone, he thought he’d died with her. There was a splitting pain inside of him, some horrible piercing sensation that sucked all the breath out of his lungs and made him feel like he had a huge gaping whole in the middle of his chest. But he survived it, and by the second minute he was numb. He didn’t mourn her, because he couldn’t. She was just a dream, the beautiful girl, with the long flowing hair and a smile that never failed to break his heart.

He dreamed about her sometimes, but they always ended up nightmares. In the end when he would reach out to touch her she would just keep moving further and further away until he couldn’t recognize her anymore. They always ended with him jumping up in the middle of the night terrified to go back to sleep and feel the pain he could remember all too well.

He knows he’ll never fall in love again. He won’t let himself. He’s a lot of things, but he’s not a fool. He used to think he was for going back to [i]her[/i] each and every time. But now he knows that was the best thing he ever did. He wishes he could erase all the bad times, all the times they spent apart, but it’s impossible to separate any of his memories now, they all just blur into this grey area of her… of [i]Marissa[/i].

He can’t say her name. Sandy does. Even Kirsten occasionally gets the courage up to actually utter her name. But Ryan won’t. If he says her name, then he thinks about her, and eventually it all leads back to that fateful moment when she died… when she left him for good. He always thought they would find their way back to each other, there was always that unspoken promise between them. But it’s gone now, shattered into a million little pieces. Part of him hates her for that hope, hates her for deserting him when she knew he would never stop missing her… needing her.

He gets up early in the mornings and runs now. It’s the only time he ever feels free from the chaos going on inside of him. He’s trying to escape her, trying to run so far and fast that he’ll forget her. Sandy keeps telling him he never will. Sandy thinks that’s what he wants to hear, but Sandy is wrong. Ryan wants to forget her, wants to erase every last piece of her from his life. But he’s smart enough to know he never will and stupid enough to keep trying… to keep running. He never gets very far and in the end he always has to return home, to her ghost, to the people she left behind, to the one mess Ryan will never be able to fix for her.

He used to resent always having to save her. Time after time, mistake after mistake he had to chase after her and clean up the wreck she’d made of her life. She was a human tornado, and she never seemed to learn her lesson. But despite all her faults, despite the constant crap she put him through, he still loved her. He doesn’t understand why the one time it really counted he wasn’t able to save her. He doesn’t understand why she’s the one dead, and secretly wishes it was him.

She was so much more.

There are days when he feels like drinking himself to the bottom of a bottle and never waking up. But then Kirsten would cry and Seth would flip out and Sandy would feel just like he does now. He won’t do that to them, no matter how much he wishes he could, not even to be with her again.

This is who he is now, and he’s accepted it. That’s why when Taylor blows into his life, he doesn’t know what to do with her. She’s Seth and Summer’s friend, that annoyingly, persistent girl from high school he barely ever thought about. He doesn’t get her and doesn’t feel like trying. But she’s in trouble, and some small part of him isn’t ready to stop being the white knight, even if it’s a different girl this time.

Taylor isn’t Marissa though. She’s crazy in a different way. He’s not sure if that’s good or bad, or if he enjoys it or it drives him insane. All he knows is she keeps coming around, talking to him, laughing at all the non funny things he says. He’s sure she wants something from him, but he doesn’t have the energy to figure it out. So he says fuck it and most times doesn’t send her away, just lets her chatter on and on until it all fades to black and all he can see is her lips moving.

By the fifth night her lips become more fascinating. They’re different from Marissa’s, different from any other girl he’s ever known. Once again he’s not even sure if he likes this about her, but it keeps him occupied. He still doesn’t hear her, but he watches her closely on that fifth night, and she seems to notice the shift.

She seems happy about it.

On the eighth night she sits beside him on the bed instead on across from him. She leans in kind of close when she laughs and he realizes she smells like peaches. This makes him smile before he can even think of concealing it. He calls her out on it, and she has the good grace to blush for a moment before launching into this long story about her new perfume and how she bought it for him… to make him happy.

He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why she wants to make him happy. Why she even thinks about him at all. She doesn’t really seem to get it either, but the thing he’s learning about Taylor is, she isn’t as put together as she pretends to be. She’s vulnerable, but strong at the same time, a contradiction Ryan doesn’t know how to deal with. So he sends her away early that night, and the look in her eyes sparks something unknown inside of him.

He feels bad.

He feels something that has nothing to do with Marissa.

That scares him, so the next night he disappears around the time he knows she’ll show up. When he comes back later he expects that she’ll have given up on him by then, but she hasn’t and he finds her curled up on top of his bed. He goes over to jostle her awake, but something stops him, that feeling inside of him… the one that has absolutely nothing to do with Marissa. So he watches her for a while. She’s a restless sleeper, twists and turns a lot.

He thinks it’s cute.

That’s when he wakes her up. He immediately puts a wall between them, making sure that she can tell he’s angry with her. She can tell alright and seems extremely miffed that, one he stood her up and two he made her worry. He doesn’t get why she’d worry, and that pisses her off even more so she grabs her insanely ugly purse and stomps out of the pool house.

She doesn’t come back the next night.

And he misses her.

The next night he waits again, and once again she doesn’t show up. This time it bothers him enough that he seeks Seth out to get her number. Seth is surprised and full of unwanted questions, and Ryan wishes he had never even asked. At the point when Ryan is ready to just scrap the whole thing, Seth finally gives it up.

Ryan calls her and she doesn’t answer. He refuses to call her again. He doesn’t have to, because an hour after he’s called her she shows up on his doorstep. She still seems a little angry with him, but he ignores that and opens the door wider offering her entrance. She lectures him on his attitude with her to the point where he just wants her to leave. She seems to sense this and shuts the hell up for once.

It doesn’t last for long, because she begins telling him in great detail about what she did the night before when she wasn’t with him. Apparently she had a date, when she tells him this she leans in extra close and examines him like he’s some test subject. The proximity and the clinical look on her face makes him uncomfortable and he moves away from her.

She gets pissed off again. He can tell because her eyes go a darker shade, and her nose kind of twitches. It’s cute… it’s sexy. He moves farther away from her. Her nose continues to twitch. The conversation becomes more stilted than usual, and instead of pressing her luck like she usually does, she’s the first one to suggest it’s time to say good night.

He’s disappointed.

He walks her all the way outside tonight, instead of just to the pool house door. If she notices the change, for once she mercifully doesn’t mention it. She jabbers a little more about the guy she went on a date with, until Ryan is willing to do anything to shut her up.

So, he does the most natural thing and kisses her.

She lets him.

In fact she more than lets him, she grabs him by the bottom of his shirt and practically fuses his body to hers. He thinks it should feel wrong. He knows he should stop. He doesn’t want to though, so he doesn’t and when she runs her tongue along his bottom lip, he not only doesn’t pull away from her, he encourages her by returning the gesture.

‘Ryan…’ she says his name in this breathless way, that makes him want to drag her back inside and lay her out on the bed. This is the thought that finally startles him into reality and he violently pushes away from her.

She looks up at him with big stunned eyes and he almost wishes he hadn’t stopped. But he had to stop, he had to stop before the inevitable rush of guilt would hit him when he began thinking about [i]her[/i] again. He doesn’t have time to think about Marissa though, because the girl in front of him now is more than he can handle.

She opens her mouth to say something, something he’s pretty positive won’t be nice. But then she shuts her mouth just as quickly. She repeats this motion so many times, that he’s ready to lean back in and kiss her again, when she reaches out and shoves hard at his chest. He’s so surprised that such a small girl could pack such a big punch that he stumbles backward and nearly falls right on his ass.

This makes him smile.

She doesn’t.

She walks away from him and he’s too tired to chase after her. He chased after one girl for three years and he swears he’ll never do it again. So he lets her leave and returns to the pool house. He can’t sleep and nearly two hours later there is a knock on the door. He thinks it’s her and immediately goes to it.

It’s not though, it’s Seth.

Once again, he finds himself disappointed that she’s not there… with him.

‘What did you do to Taylor?’

Seth looks tired and annoyed, not a surprising combo on Seth. Ryan suspects that Taylor made a beeline to Seth the second she left him, and for some insane reason he’s jealous. He’s jealous that she spent time with Seth, that he wanted to spend with her.

That scares the hell out of him.

Ryan acts like he has no idea what Seth is talking about with a few well placed words. This is why people accuse him of being quiet. He doesn’t care, just like he doesn’t care about most things in his life.

This is when he realizes, he cares about her.

This puts a serious crack in the carefully placed façade he’s been walking around with for months and Seth seems to sense the change. Seth being Seth he pushes and pushes until Ryan realizes he either has to kill him and break Kirsten’s heart, or try to explain the weird attachment he’s grown for Taylor. He’s not sure which is the lesser of two evils.

He ends up opting for the thing that won’t send him to jail.

He tells Seth that Taylor’s been coming around for a while. Seth apologizes and makes some crack about her being an ‘eager beaver’. Ryan isn’t sure why it bothers him, but his defenses go up and he shuts down again. It’s a mistake because Seth instantly realizes that Ryan isn’t telling him the whole truth. He’s Seth, so he’s a little slow, but he eventually puts two and two together and realizes Taylor told him the truth about…

The kiss.

Seth is appalled and that pisses Ryan off, so he tries to make him leave. Seth backtracks though and immediately begins telling Ryan how he can do damage control before Taylor locks her sights onto him. Ryan hadn’t even contemplated Taylor liking him until Seth begins talking about it like it’s a foregone conclusion.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Taylor likes him. That’s why she shows up every night. That’s why she wears that weird perfume that’s a mix between peaches and vanilla that should smell too sweet, but on her doesn’t. And that’s why she looked like he’d sucker punched her when he pulled away from her.

She cares about him.

The truly terrifying part of these revelations is that he thinks he might like her too. At the very least he’s attracted to her and he can no longer deny the fact that he cares about her. He doesn’t say any of this to Seth, though something in the way Seth looks at him changes and he suspects his friend knows.

The next night Taylor shows up with a peach pie and Ryan regrets ever telling her that peaches were his favorite fruit. At this point he’s on overload. Taylor never ceases to overdo something, he has a feeling this is in the fiber of her very being and if he’s going to be around her he better get used to it.

It scares him that he’s decided she’s going to be in his life. He doesn’t know when it happened, but she completes his days. Those dreams he has of Marissa are changing. He still has them, but when he reaches for her now he can touch her, she smiles and he lets her go. He still wakes up upset though and he doesn’t think even Taylor Townsend can change that.

If she did, he would resent her for it.

Ryan eats only a few bites of the pie, before he closes the gap between them and kisses her again. She is stunned to say the least and immediately tries to talk about it.

He shuts her up by kissing her again.

They spend most of the night fused at the lips and most other places after that. He maneuvers her onto her back, and he’s surprised at how uninhibited and eager she is. He expected her to be more timid, to stop his hand when it traveled up the smooth expanse of her stomach.

She doesn’t. She pushes it higher.

For the longest time he could never imagine touching another person the way he touched Marissa. He thought for sure that had gotten short circuited like the rest of him. It hasn’t though, and with Taylor writhing beneath him, he’s sure it’s never worked better.

Afterwards he lays in bed beside her waiting for the all consuming guilt to come. She holds it off for him for a while, by chattering about unimportant little things that amuse him even when he knows they shouldn’t. And when that doesn’t work and she sees him drifting she starts kissing him again, and the sweet torture begins all over again.

Even she can’t stop it after a while, and just like he knew it would, the guilt floods inside of him, until it’s hard to breathe again. He gets out of bed as fast as he can and pulls some pants on. She watches him unashamed, and he can’t help but respect her for that. Taylor is the kind of girl who lives her own life according to her own rules.

He likes that. He likes her. But he still asks her to leave.

She doesn’t look that upset this time. She does however look a little disappointed and he gets the feeling that her patience is wearing thing. He doesn’t know what she expects of him though. He made her no promises and he swears he never will. All he has to offer her is in that bed, everything else is already spent.

She can take it or leave it.

She takes it for a while. Night after night. Sometimes she even shows up at his work and drags him into the back room. At first he’s shocked at what an exhibitionist she turns out to be. He loves it though and tries not to focus on where she could have learned all that stuff. When he actually lets such thoughts in, he feels something akin to jealousy. He refuses to go there, so he pushes it all back down and drives into her even harder.

Nearly two months later they’re laying in his bed together, and in a rare show of affection he’s wrapped her in his arms. There is a knock at the door, it’s Kirsten wondering if he’s going to be around for dinner that night. He looks beside him at Taylor who’s stirring from the impromptu nap, and he feels himself getting lost in her.

That’s the moment he decides it has to end.

She comes by again the next night, eats dinner with the Cohen’s and then follows him into the pool house, followed by some wise crack made by Seth. She complains about Seth being ‘sulky’ without Summer, but he’s barely listening to her. She realizes this and tries to kiss him, but he holds her at arms length. He’s not sure how she knows, but there is a look in her eyes that tells him she gets it.

She doesn’t say anything, a totally un-Taylor-like thing. Instead she just smiles at him. It’s different from Marissa’s smiles, it’s from a different girl, a girl no matter how hard he tries, he can’t push out of his life. At least that’s what he thought until she leans up, kisses his cheek and walks out of his life.

He feels numb again.

He feels angry.

He resents that she left him without a fight.

He refuses to chase after her.

She comes back to him.

The year since [i]her[/i] death is coming to a close. Sandy, Kirsten, even Seth all seem determined to let him deal with this anniversary on his own and he’s grateful for that. He doesn’t think he can face [i]her[/i] and them in the same day.

He begins drinking from the moment he wakes up from one of those horrible nightmares. He’s back to having the same old one, where Marissa is just out of reach. She’s never smiles in these, she always looks pained, and it always rips him to shreds.

When there is a knock at the door he’s already halfway into oblivion, so close to being with her again it scares him. He thinks it’s probably Sandy, he can never help himself from meddling. Ryan opens it ready to turn him away and then he sees Taylor.

She’s beautiful. It hits him like a stack of bricks and he staggers back from the door leaving it wide open. Half of him hopes she’ll just get the hell out, but he knows her well enough to know she won’t drop whatever mission she’s on now.

She throws her stuff onto a chair and somehow it falls into a neat pile. That’s such a Taylor thing that he smiles. She catches him, and he’s sure she almost smiles back, but something stops her.

He hurt her.

It’s another thing in a long list of thing that makes him feel guilty. He used her, he can admit that to himself now. God knows Seth has dropped enough hints, even Summer ripped into him last time she was in town. He thought they’d be angry at him for betraying Marissa, they weren’t. They accused him of stalling his life and dishonoring Marissa.

He avoided them both for the rest of Summer’s stay.

‘You look gross.’ Taylor tells him matter of factly, and makes this face that lets him know she’s not even remotely attracted to this incarnation of him. Some part of him wants to change her mind. He knows that if he kisses her now he can convince her to go to bed with him. He’s equally sure it would only make things worse, so he just stares at her.

She tells him not to look at her ‘like that’. But he doesn’t know how to any other way, so he turns away from her. Usually people are begging him to let them in, but she doesn’t seem interested in that anymore and that hurts him. He feels angry with her, and then he feels like a total bastard for even thinking he has the right.

He ended it. He stomped on her. She walked away. It feels like the same old tired cycle and he refuses to do it again. He won’t be miserable in yet another relationship. He won’t invest his heart. He will not love her. He just won’t.

He’s thinks he already does.

He hates her for that. He hates her because he knows she’s gonna walk out of there later that night. She’s gonna leave him just like Marissa did. Maybe she won’t die, maybe she won’t stick around him long enough for the curse of his life to take a toll on her. He hopes she doesn’t. He hopes she’s smart enough to recognize a lost cause when she sees one.

She takes the bottle of Tequila he’s been chugging and pours it down the sink. He watches her from the doorway of the bathroom and he can’t keep his eyes from straying up and down her body. He can still remember how she feels, how she tastes… how she makes him feel. When she turns around she sees the look in his eyes and warns him not to try anything. She says her therapist told her he was a bad influence on her life.

He agrees with the shrink.

She moves out of the bathroom, but he stays in the doorway. This seems to annoy her, because she marches back over to him and grabs onto the bottom of his shirt before dragging him towards his bed. She stops him at the end of it and begins pulling his shirt off. He raises his arms a little to help her, interested to see where she’s taking this.

She finishes stripping him of his shirt and then shoves him hard on the chest so he’s sitting on the bed. She kneels down on the floor and begins working on his shoes and socks, before pushing him flat against his back and moving to the zipper on his pants. He reaches out and stills her hands then and realizes she’s actually trembling. He’s not sure he’s ever seen her this vulnerable before, and it terrifies him.

‘Taylor…’ He whispers her name and he’s almost sure he sees a tear running down her cheek. He reaches out his hand to her and twines their fingers together. She lets him do this and he grows bolder, applying a little pressure and urging her down to him on the bed. She sits beside him quietly, refusing to ever meet his gaze.

‘Taylor.’ He whispers her name again and she tries to move away from him.

‘I’m sorry.’ He can’t believe the words have actually left his mouth no matter how long he’s thought of saying them to her.

She smiles at him.

He smiles back.

She squeezes his hand and lays back down against the bed beside him. They stay like that for a long time, minutes turn into hours and before he knows it the morning has come upon them. She begins to stir. He can feel her warm breath against his head. Sometime in the middle of the night his head found it’s way into the nook of her neck.

It felt like home, so he stayed.

He moves away and steps out of bed, expecting that she’ll be gone when he gets back from the bathroom. No matter what he can’t trust her to stay. He can’t trust anyone to stay.

She’s still there when he comes back. She looks up at him and there’s something in her eyes, something written on her face that warms him. It’s in that moment that he realizes he survived the night without a single nightmare. He knows it’s because of her. He knows that’s why she came, to get him through the night even though it cost her.

He decides he’s ready to move on.

He’ll always love Marissa. She was the first girl he ever loved. She cut him to the bone, as he did her, time and time again. But he doesn’t regret a single moment with her. Not even the last one. But she’s gone, and for the first time since that night one year ago, he thinks he can let her go. He’s ready for a new life.

He’s ready for Taylor.


////Whitney\\\\

First official OTH LJ review...

Sorry I didn't come around last night to post, I got really sick right before OTH and I wsa doing good to even stay up watching it. Which I did... And LOVED. I have to say I don't expect a ton of NH every single episode, it's unrealistic. But I adored what we got this episode, the progression between them. And I also loved the balance throughout, the storylines they focused on really kept me interested.

Nathan & Haley: The flirting! The giddiness! The happiness! I loved watching their scenes last night, in fact, I think I have rewatched a million times at this point. It was so beautiful to see those walls of indifference wash away from Nathan. Last week was a total break through for him, I think when he was with her he once again got a taste of that happiness and he's holding onto it. The way he was looking at her, smiling at her, reaching out to her... it made my heart flutter and Haley's as well.

I think so many things are snapping Nathan out of his coma like state. First of all last week, where he got to spend time with her and connected with her again. That shook him to his core, I totally believe. It melted so much ice around his heart, that when he see's her now all he can do is smile and flirt. The scene we got of his homelife... he hates it there. He's trying to wait for his mother, but I think he's beginning to see she is not going to make a move. Nathan isn't going to just sit around forever with Dan, he can't. His conversation with Lucas, where Lucas said FIX IT. NL may be fighting, but Lucas is getting through to Nathan, as witnessed by him staring at that ring. I'm with Jean, I believe our boy put it on. And then finally the scuffle with Dan in the locker room. That was INTENSE. Nathan realized he didn't want to be Dan.

After all this turmoil he walks out of the double doors and who is waiting for him... his wife. The woman who loves him, who makes him happy, who is so close he can just reach out to her and turn it all around. And instead of wimping out like in the past, Nathan reached out last night. He didn't contemplate, didn't hesitate, he just called. There was no uncertainty, nothing holding him back. He just wanted her there beside him, and she came... and they we're happy. Because that is where it all is... the happiness... the love... it all ends with each other. :love:

Nathan-Lucas: GAH. These two are so frustrating. I can't hate Nathan for his animosity at Lucas. Because I really believe there is something hidden there beneath that hasn't been revealed. There has to be some deeper reason for Nathan's anger towards Lucas (Hay, you know the theory). Anyway, it still just saddens me so much, because it's clear they both need each other now. I was very heartened in the end though when instinctually Nathan just stood of for Lucas. Buried under the other crap is love, they're brothers now and nothing will end that bond or erase it.

Lucas:... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I was screaming at him last night as he threw those pills away. This is so stupid Lucas, you're killing yourself. He needs to think about his mother, and Haley, and Nathan and all of his friends. These people love him and would be devastated to lose him. At this point I think it's time for Haley to say to hell with Lucas and tell Karen or Nathan. Unfortunately I think Lucas will lie to her and make her believe he is still taking the meds. That boy is going to crash, and it's going to be BAD.

Haley-Peyton: SIGH. They got to me last night again. First of all I loved the first HP scene. Peyton just thought she could go over there and act like everything was fine, and Haley would take it. But NOPE. Haley just ignored her and went on with her business. The last scene with HP in the car was great. I was so glad Peyton owned up to all her crap, and it is in Haley's nature to forgive in forget. It's a baby step to rebuilding that friendship, but I'm open to it right now, so thats something. Truly says something about the chemistry between Hilarie and Joie, because I wasn't sure I ever would be.

Random:

-Mouth is the man. I'm so glad he got that for Karen. Unfortunately I see her taking the high road and not exposing that, because it could hurt Nathan as well. And of course Dan will win in the end. I truly believe the devil will be the new mayor. Karen never had a shot.

-I truly felt bad for Brooke last night. Just give the girl a break.

Promo: All I can say is I'm looking forward to next week. I really think it's going to be another great episode. WAO p.2;)

I haven't used this journal for much since I got it. But I'm toying with the idea of posting my fic updates on here as well as The Rivercourt board where I post them. Right now I'm just working on customizing this thing and seeing how it goes.

Testing!